Year Of The Cobra
by Red Witch
Summary: Join our favorite terrorist organization as they go through a typical year trying by any means necessary to rule the world.
1. The Slide of Stupidity and Futility

**The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any GI Joe characters has gone out partying. Hope you all had a better year than Cobra did. That's not exactly a high bar to overcome…but still. **

**Anyway I decided to make a long chapter saga about a year in Cobra's life (if you can call it that) from one New Year's Eve to another. Chapters will be infrequent and whenever I feel like it. But lets enjoy the ride shall we as we embark on…**

**Year of The Cobra**

**Chapter 1: The Slide of Stupidity and Futility **

"Why do we have to have an end of year meeting to discuss the state of affairs of Cobra?" Destro complained to Cobra Commander and the Baroness as they made their way down the halls of their hidden base. "We **know **what our state of affairs are in Cobra. We're broke, barely functioning and have as much power as a substitute teacher on the last day of school. **That's** what the affairs of Cobra are! End of story!"

"Well somebody's in a grumpy mood," Cobra Commander quipped. "You're more pessimistic than usual."

"I'm just saying I am glad this nightmare called a year is almost over," Destro grumbled.

"What did you expect from the year 2013?" The Baroness asked. "All sunshine and rainbows?"

"It has been an unusually…" Cobra Commander began when something distracted him. It was the sound of music coming from Mindbender's new lab. Specifically the sound of Lady Gaga's Applause. "What the…?"

"Oh God no…" Destro winced. "Please let this not be a repeat of his Madonna fixation in the 80's."

"I know I'll never get the sight of Mindbender wearing that cone bra out of my nightmares," The Baroness groaned.

"I don't suppose we could just walk by and pretend he's not in there can we?" Cobra Commander asked hopefully.

"Not if he's doing a pyrotechnic show along with his dance routine," Destro sighed as he pushed open the door. "Brace yourselves. We're going in."

"Must we?" Cobra Commander whined.

"Oh goody," The Baroness drawled as they entered the lab. "Something new to tell my therapist."

Inside they saw Mindbender in the lab singing and dancing. The six Battle Android Troopers were moving in synch with Mindbender's movements to a laser light show behind him. What was really disturbing was that he was wearing purple glitter short shorts along with his usual lack of shirt attire and cape and purple glitter thigh high boots. And he had glitter all over his chest and head.

_"I live for the applause…applause…applause!"_ Mindbender was having the time of his life doing a routine that would make the singer he was emulating be uncomfortable with.

"At least he's only using lasers this time," Cobra Commander sighed. "And not the ones that can blow things up."

"And he's wearing more clothes than last time," The Baroness sighed.

"Could have been worse," Destro winced. "It could have been the song Wrecking Ball."

"Thank you Destro for giving me **more **nightmares," Cobra Commander moaned.

Mindbender finished his routine with a flourish. "YEAHHH!" He whooped as he finished.

He was greeted with the sound of dry applause. "Bravo, Mindbender. You have officially become the creepiest fan boy on Earth," Cobra Commander quipped.

"Uh…" Mindbender realized he had an audience.

"I see you've got the remaining BATS working," Destro deadpanned. "Of course it's not exactly the programming we intended."

"This **is** like the Madonna episode," The Baroness groaned. "Which is actually fitting if you think about it."

"I can explain…" Mindbender gulped.

"We know you can but we don't want to **hear** it," Destro stopped him. "Mindbender the Battle Android Troopers are supposed to strike fear into our enemies! Not be your backup dancers for a floor show!"

"On the other hand it's a lot less disturbing than your **usual** hobbies in the lab so…" Cobra Commander sighed. "I think I'm going to actually **encourage **this one. At least with you singing there is a significant decrease in decapitated heads rolling around on the floor."

"Uh as you see I have managed to salvage seven BATS," Mindbender tried to regain what little professionalism he had.

"Seven? I only see six," The Baroness looked around. "Oh wait there's one running a camera. Never mind."

"Cut! Cut!" Mindbender made a motion and the BAT obeyed.

"As tempting as it is to cut you I think I've been disturbed enough for one day," Cobra Commander groaned. "Turn your toys off and come with us to the meeting room. We're having a meeting."

"Okay…" Mindbender nodded, deactivated the BATS and followed them.

"Uh don't you want to change?" The Baroness gave him a look.

"Why? I'm comfortable," Mindbender blinked.

"We're not!" Destro groaned. "Another example of another horrible year of Cobra as we once again slide down even further on the slide of stupidity and futility."

"Destro has the case of the holiday blues," Cobra Commander explained.

"I have a case of the Cobra Blues!" Destro snapped. "Which means that our organization is in the red, my bruises have turned black and I distinctly smell the decay of something brown in the lower levels of this base!"

"Oh that's not what you think it is," Mindbender spoke up. "I was trying some new experiments with algae and it didn't work. Aside from that slight hiccup I think I had a good year. I had some rather successful breakthroughs in my lab and financially."

"Financially successful? Mindbender you made more money stealing coins and laundry detergent from laundromats!" Destro told him.

"I also got some nice clothes and met some very nice, very lonely laundromat attendants who were more than willing to look the other way for some attention if you get my drift," Mindbender grinned.

"Oh you are **disgusting**," The Baroness winced as they entered the conference room. "Then again I suppose a fat laundromat worker is a step up from your experiments."

"Only one of them was technically fat," Mindbender frowned. "And she could do things…"

"NO! NO! NO!" Destro yelled. "For the love of God Mindbender I'd rather have by teeth cleaned by Torch than listen to tales of your sex life!"

"All in all it was still a good year for me," Mindbender shrugged.

"If this is a good year for you I'd hate to see a **bad** one," Destro remarked as they sat down in the conference room.

"It was a good year for all of us!" Mindbender said.

"How? Explain that to me," Cobra Commander gave him a look. "Walk me through this."

"Well for starters we are no longer living on a **boat,**" Mindbender pointed out. "And in a much nicer base than our other one."

"Yes instead of a substandard base that smells like chicken grease we are in a substandard base that smells like **fish**," The Baroness wrinkled her nose.

"It's still bigger and better equipped than our old base," Mindbender pointed out.

"A failing middle school filled with asbestos is bigger and better equipped than our old base," Cobra Commander snapped.

"It has a Tiki bar!" Mindbender said.

"So did our old base. In my office!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Which meant I didn't have to share with anyone!"

"We made some new friends…" Mindbender went on.

"We made a lot more new enemies!" The Baroness snapped.

"We have two new members of Cobra who even you have to admit are improvements over the Dreadnoks," Mindbender added.

"A dead goldfish is an improvement over the Dreadnoks!" Destro snapped. "And don't remind me about those traitors!"

"Yes the last thing we need is another four hour rant about the Dreadnoks buying up your ancestral home and kicking your insane relatives out on the street," Cobra Commander groaned. "I don't know why you're upset about that anyway. The place was a dump and you hate your family."

"It's the principle of the thing all right?" Destro snapped. "And I only hate half of my family. There are some members I actually like."

"Too bad they all want you dead," The Baroness quipped.

"We saw a lot of the world and travelled," Mindbender went on.

"We blew up a lot of the world and caused destruction everywhere we travelled," Destro corrected.

"We ran into sea monsters, ghosts, pirates, ghost pirates…" Cobra Commander counted off. "Former employees and experiments that nearly killed us. The stupid seagulls…We were almost blown up by GI Joe at least twice…Destro you were right! There is nothing good about this year we have to rehash about!"

"AAAAAAH!" The sounds of twins screaming could be heard.

"Get moving! Move it! Move it! Move it!" Steve One could be heard.

"Really? _**Nothing**_ good?" Mindbender smirked. "Perhaps you want to think that over **again** Commander?"

"AAAAAHHH!" The Crimson Twins yelled as they entered the room. This was due to Steve One and Two tasering them. They fell to the ground twitching.

"Okay I'll give you **that one**," Cobra Commander conceded. "The entertainment has gotten better but other than that our year has been miserable. Surviving by the skin of our teeth…"

"And the lack of wits," The Baroness gave the Commander a look. "Speaking of lack of wits why the tasers Steve One and Two?"

"Cobra Commander told us to bring them here without delay," Steve One shrugged. "Even if we had to taser them."

"Did you really **have** to taser them?" The Baroness asked.

"Urgle furgle…" The twins twitched and simultaneously drooled on the carpet.

"No, but we thought we should do it to be sure," Steve Two shrugged. "At least that's what Steve said."

"Good call," Cobra Commander looked at the twins on the floor. "Take a seat Steves. At the very least we've gained someone with some managing experience."

"Cool. Who'd we get?" Steve Two asked as he took a seat.

"Yeah who?" Steve One asked.

"All right time for the end of year review," Cobra Commander decided it was best to press on. "Now I know this year hasn't exactly been our best. Or our second best. Or…Well we've had worse. At least we're a little better off than last year which is a victory in my book. Okay maybe not exactly a victory but…"

"Way to inspire us Cobra Commander," The Baroness groaned.

"Now I realize that Cobra fell a little short of our goals this year…" Cobra Commander went on.

"A **little** short?" Destro called out. "Commander Macy's is closer to world domination than we are!"

"Forget Macy's," The Baroness moaned. "Even JC Penny's is closer than we are and they're doomed!"

"That's not necessarily true," Mindbender spoke up. "I heard their sales are going up."

"Well they couldn't have gotten much further down," Destro shrugged. "Besides it is the holiday season. Of course sales are going to go up. Those stupid little kiosks that sell calendars at the mall do well on the holidays. Any idiot can make money during the season of giving crap to your loved ones and getting whatever you can at half off."

"I feel we are getting off track here," Cobra Commander stopped them. "As I was saying…"

"Half off? Who are they **kidding**?" The Baroness grumbled. "Everyone knows that the stores mark up their prices forty percent then purposely knock them down only twenty percent to make a profit!"

"That's why I always follow the thirty percent rule," Mindbender sniffed. "If it's not thirty percent or lower. I don't buy it."

"What exactly do you **buy**?" Destro asked. "You don't even wear shirt. Which I admit must save you a fortune."

"I buy things!" Mindbender protested. "I buy clothes! What you think my face looks this good on its own? You try getting a good monocle at cost! And how do you think I keep my mustache and face perfectly groomed? You know how much a good quality moisturizer can cost?"

"Actually I usually get mine at Target," Steve One spoke up. "They got some good stuff just as good as the department stores but much cheaper."

"I've tried some of that stuff but for some reason my face breaks out and…" Mindbender went on.

"AS I WAS SAYING!" Cobra Commander yelled. "Obviously we haven't been as focused as a team as we **should be.** Mistakes were made…"

"By you," Destro remarked.

"We made a few wrong turns," Cobra Commander pressed on.

"Also that was you," Destro added.

"What did I do?" Cobra Commander snapped.

"Do you want the top ten or just a general review of the whole year?" Destro asked.

"You're not still harping on Atlantis are you? Because that was not my fault!" Cobra Commander yelled.

"You were the one who started looting the jewels from the King of Atlantis' bathroom," Destro pointed out.

"Yes well I was…" Cobra Commander began.

"Without making sure the king wasn't **in there** at the time," Destro finished.

"In hindsight you really should have made sure his highness wasn't using the throne when you went in there," Mindbender smirked.

"It's not like he was just out there for all to see! There was a large screen! Okay?" Cobra Commander snapped. "And he was very quiet so I couldn't tell he was doing his business while I was doing my business of keeping Cobra afloat!"

"Wait…isn't Atlantis underwater?" Steve Two was confused.

"Yes," The Baroness gave him a look.

"Then why would he need to use a toilet?" Steve Two asked. "Wouldn't he just…go?"

"Maybe for number one but not for number two," Mindbender shrugged.

"So if we flush our waste into the ocean where does the ocean flush **its waste**?" Steve One asked. "Does Atlantis' sewers connect to land or what?"

"That would explain some of the smells at the docks in some coastal cities," Mindbender thought.

"Okay I'd rather go back to the shopping talk," Cobra Commander groaned. "If we're going to go off track I'd prefer a more sanitary conversation."

"How about this for conversation?" Destro folded his arms. "How about you do something about your _drinking problem_? How about that for a conversation? If you kicked the habit maybe all our plans wouldn't be so half assed and stupid?"

"The only drinking problem I have is that I don't drink **enough** around you people!" Cobra Commander snapped.

"Destro does have a point Cobra Commander," The Baroness spoke up. "The quality of your schemes has really gone downhill these past few years."

"Like last year when we had to steal coal from Santa's train and nearly got killed by rampaging children and their drunken parents?" Mindbender added.

"And this year hasn't been that much better," The Baroness went on. "I had to steal half of our things in order to survive!"

"And I had to steal the other half," Mindbender nodded. "I'm the one who came up with stealing money and stuff from laundromats! Our only successful venture this year!"

"Don't forget we had to resort to trick or treating again in order to get something to eat let alone make a profit!" Destro added.

"Yes but this time the Baroness was able to trick three drunks into thinking she was a teenager and knocked them unconscious," Mindbender pointed out. "We got quite a haul."

"Would have been four if that wife hadn't walked in at that last moment and called the cops," The Baroness sighed.

"And don't forget how we celebrated Christmas Day!" Destro remarked. "We went to the mainland and broke into a corporate office to steal money and office supplies."

"Which is a perfect time to go because everyone is at home with their loved ones," Cobra Commander said. "Or at least that was the theory. How was I supposed to know that corporation was jointly owned by both a Muslim and a Jew? And how was I supposed to know that they would work so well together? Or that they both owned some high powered rifles and a flame thrower?"

"They really worked great chasing us out," Destro moaned. "We didn't even get a paper clip."

"We almost got third degree burns," The Baroness grumbled. "I guess it's just not Christmas for Cobra unless something gets set on fire!"

"That's why we're getting a jump on **next year** and need to come up with new schemes and plans to make Cobra great again!" Cobra Commander said. "Or at the very least make us some cash."

"Oh goody," Destro drawled. "We get to come up with **new ways** to risk our lives for very little money and a whole lot of humiliation and failure!"

"Let's just do some brainstorming shall we?" Cobra Commander sighed. "I know that's a difficult task considering the lack of brain cells in this room but let's give it a shot. No idea is too insane or stupid to come up with. I mean we are the terrorist group that came up with giant vegetables attacking Chicago for crying out loud."

"How about we have giant vegetables attack Cleveland?" Steve Two spoke up.

"Uh let's just put that on the maybe pile and keep going?" Cobra Commander let it go. "Anyone else?"

"Ooh! You know how we've been stealing from laundromats in Florida? It's time to branch out to other states!" Mindbender spoke up. "I hear Louisiana is nice this time of year!"

"I can't believe I'm saying this but seeing that Mindbender's little side job is the only profit we've made these past few months…" Destro groaned. "I think that is a plausible idea."

"Yeah okay fine, go for it," Cobra Commander waved. "But let's not limit ourselves shall we?"

"Ooh! We could steal from vending machines too!" Steve Two spoke up. "Especially those that give out candy and those snack cakes! Yum!"

"Wonderful. We'll start an international petty crime ring," Cobra Commander sighed. "Anything else?"

"How about counterfeiting? I hear that's a pretty good racket," The Baroness asked.

"We tried that. Remember? With the knockoff Twinkies?" Destro pointed out.

"Oh right," The Baroness blinked. "Well let's try something other than snack cakes this time."

"How about alcohol?" Steve One said cheerfully.

"Uh we tried that too," Mindbender fidgeted. "Before you joined us. You know that stuff I made for Cobra Commander at sea?"

"The just plain shine? I recall," Destro sighed. "What about it?"

"Let's just say Cobra Commander and I test marketed that at one of our ports of call and it didn't go over very well," Mindbender winced.

"Was it the place where there was a sudden outbreak of violent explosive diarrhea?" Destro realized.

"Uh yes and a few…cat fatalities," Cobra Commander coughed. "The details aren't important. Moving on."

"We send giant vegetables to attack Cleveland!" Steve Two spoke up.

"We said that already," Steve One said.

"Oh well then how about we just go to Cleveland and let the giant vegetables attack us?" Steve Two giggled.

"Steve are you high again?" Cobra Commander sighed.

"No man I'm just drunk," Steve Two told them.

"You know for once I think Steve Two is onto something," Destro sighed. "I suggest a new plan. We all get plastered and don't sober up until the middle of January."

"Now who drinks **too much**?" Cobra Commander quipped as Destro got up and moved to a small bar at the other end of the room.

"Alcoholism is a disease, Cobra Commander," Destro gave him a look. "And unfortunately for us you're a **carrier!**"

"Carrier? He's the Typhoid Mary of alcoholism," The Baroness remarked as the functioning members of Cobra went to get some drinks.

"Can we see if there's anything good on TV?" Steve One indicated the television mounted on the wall.

"Why not?" Cobra Commander shrugged as he found a remote and turned on the TV. "Finding anything good on TV at this time of year is always a challenge."

"Finding **anything** good on TV at **any time** of the year is **always** a challenge," Destro sighed as he took a drink.

"Coming up next!" An announcer spoke up. "America's newest addiction! Badminton With the Stars! Who could forget last week's amazing match between Harley Steen and Larry Russey?"

"BATS! BATS EVERYWHERE!" An older star waved a badminton racket around.

"Here birdie…birdie, birdie…hic…" Another star staggered around waving his racket. "Birdie…" He turned around and the birdie landed behind him. "Birdie?"

"A riveting four hour match where no one managed to get a single hit…" The Announcer sighed.

WHACK!

"OW!"

"Okay a cameraman and a couple of interns got hit with a racket but still…" The Announcer went on.

"I rest my case…" Destro sighed. "Commander…"

"I'm changing it…" Cobra Commander did so.

"Tonight a holiday special! Larry the Disgruntled Postal Service Elf! The story of a lonely elf at the North Pole…"

"Oh God no…" Cobra Commander grumbled. "Next!"

"Tonight! A Very Dracula Christmas!"

"Now while I enjoy a good bloodbath as much as the next person…" Destro sighed. "Next!"

CLICK!

"Next! Celebrity Hockey! The Ladies from the View take on The Five from Fox News!"

"Again as much as I like a good bloodbath…" Destro moaned.

CLICK!

"Holiday Fun from North Korea! Join our favorite former basketball star as he…"

"NO!" Cobra Commander changed the channel. "The **last thing** I want to do is hear about how great Little Kim is doing! He only got the job because of his Dad. I hate nepotism. Especially when it doesn't apply to me. Although I must admit I am interested to see what new purges he'll bring in the New Year…"

"Who will win The Great Christmas Tree Trimming Challenge?"

"Not the viewing audience that's for sure," The Baroness groaned.

CLICK!

"Next! A very special Family Matters version of A Christmas Carol! Will Urkel change his nerdy ways and…?"

CLICK!

"Lifetimes' Mrs. Scrooge!"

CLICK!

"The Cuddle Bunnies Christmas Carol!"

CLICK!

"A Goodfella's Christmas Carol!"

CLICK!

"Carol's Christmas Carol!"

"Bah freaking humbug!" Cobra Commander groaned as he changed the channel. "Why do they have to rehash the same freaking story five hundred and twenty seven times every year?"

"I agree. Albert Finney being Scrooge was clearly the best of the lot," Destro nodded.

"I have to disagree," The Baroness shook her head. "George C Scott was better."

"Please none of them could beat Alistair Sim," Cobra Commander waved.

"I dunno," Mindbender remarked. "I thought Michael Caine was rather good."

"From the Muppets version? You have got to be kidding?" The Baroness groaned.

"He was good! And Jim Carrey in that other one," Mindbender defended.

"You're all wrong," Steve One spoke up. "It's Scrooge McDuck. Hands down."

"Don't forget Mr. Magoo!" Steve Two spoke up.

"Okay I'm changing the channel and this conversation," Cobra Commander grumbled. "Before we lose any more brain cells!"

"I agree," Destro admitted as he took another drink. "That conversation was starting to sound too much like a Dreadnok conversation. And by Dreadnok conversation I mean a pile of complete and utter drivel. If I never hear another word from a Dreadnok it will be too soon!"

And right on cue just as he said that Cobra Commander changed the channel. "This is Chet Claret. We're here interviewing Lord Thomas Robert Wilkington Blinkin Smythe the Second," A black haired male reporter spoke in a studio.

"Uh technically I ain't a lord Chet ol boy," The familiar voice of Torch came out of a shockingly clean shaven well groomed red haired man in an expensive grey suit. "Kind of had a bit of a mishap before I was made a lord. Had to make a tinkle and ended up going in the wrong room."

"AAAGGGHH!" Destro yelled. "NOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Oh here's something worth watching," Cobra Commander quipped. "Gather round everyone and watch Destro have another aneurism."

"That…That preposterous impostor!" Destro yelled at the TV. "TORCH! I RUE THE DAY I MET YOU, YOU DUNDERHEADED DREADNOK DIMWIT!"

"Oh yeah he was another guy that used to work for you until you fired him right?" Steve Two asked as Chet interviewed Torch.

"Work is a very loose definition of what he did," The Baroness sniffed.

"Tell me about it," Steve One said. "I was on the detail the day he and the other Dreadnoks decided to have the Let's Hit Things with a Hammer championship."

"Wait a second…" Cobra Commander did a double take. "Were you in the room across the hall and had the broken leg with the broken wrist?"

"No, I shared it with the guy who had the broken leg and wrist," Steve One corrected him. "I had the broken foot and the concussion. We both shared the room across from you."

"You know I thought we met before," Cobra Commander nodded. "Now I remember. You're the one who hit the guy who insisted on watching the curling championship on the television."

"I just never got the sport. And quite frankly the last thing I wanted to see was more heavy things thrown around…" Steve One shrugged.

"Oh that was fun," Cobra Commander began to chuckle. "When you hit the guy I laughed so hard I popped a stich."

"If you're done reminiscing I'd like to hear this!" Destro snapped. "What the hell has that drunken demon Dreadnok done now?"

"As you have just seen that was our interview with Thomas Smythe the Second last month. To recap our top story last night the headquarters for Mongoose Incorporated has burned to the ground due to the extreme negligence of its CEO, Thomas Smythe the Second," Chet spoke into the camera. "Here is recovered security camera footage of the incident."

"WHOO HOO! I'M A CEO AND I CAN SHOOT OFF GIANT ILLEGAL FIREWORKS ALL I WANT!" Torch whooped as he held a flamethrower. "IT'S GREAT TO BE RICH!"

"No! You fool don't use the flame…" Someone yelled off camera. Too late. Torch turned it on.

Explosions and bright lights were everywhere. "Oops," Torch coughed amid the smoke. "Sorry! My bad!"

"There is justice in the universe!" Destro crowed. "I KNEW IT!"

"Honestly are we really **surprised **this happened?" The Baroness rolled her eyes.

"What surprises me is that it took a whole year for it to happen," Cobra Commander remarked. "I was so sure he'd wreck the place by June."

"Well he didn't," Mindbender beamed. "So I win the betting pool! Boo-ya! This really is my year!"

"Smythe was arrested this morning on charges of accidental arson of his own company," Chet spoke. "As well as driving a stolen limo under the influence the wrong way down a freeway, trashing a hotel room at the Ritz Savoy Carson, stealing a chandelier from the hotel from the main lobby, and something very illegal and very immoral with a stolen penguin from the aquarium we really can't talk about on the air without getting fined by the FCC."

"YES! HA HA HA! REVENGE!" Destro crowed with glee. "THANK YOU UNIVERSE!"

"Now who saw **this coming**?" Cobra Commander shook his head. "Anyone with a brain cell!"

"So much for our competition," The Baroness scoffed.

"SUCK ON THAT ZARTAN!" Destro whooped with glee. "I swear I wish I could have been there to see that rat's face when this happened!"

"Maybe that's on a security camera too?" Steve One suggested.

"Good idea Steve," Destro grinned. "Remind me to check out TMZ and You Tube. If it exists it is bound to be on one or both of those websites sooner or later!"

"Wait a second…I just thought of something," Mindbender blinked.

"I'll alert social media," Destro deadpanned. "Hashtag Mindbender has a working brain cell."

"If Torch was arrested they would have taken his fingerprints wouldn't have they?" Mindbender asked.

"That normally is part of the procedure yes," Destro sighted. "Where are you going with this? Wait…I think I do."

"Unless Zartan and his new employers had the foresight to alter Torch's fingerprints as well as his appearance…" Mindbender realized.

"Oh I see where this is going…" Cobra Commander realized. "You don't suppose they did…?"

"We're getting a breaking news report," Chet spoke on the television. "In a stunning turn of events it has been revealed that Thomas Smythe is actually a wanted criminal that has been avoiding authorities for decades."

"They didn't," Mindbender said.

"According to the FBI Smythe's real name is Thomas 'Torch' Winkin," Chet reported. "A known terrorist once associated with the defunct terrorist group Cobra."

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY DEFUNCT?" Cobra Commander snapped. "WE'RE STILL HERE YOU LIBERAL HACK!"

"Winkin has an extensive criminal record that includes, murder, arson…" Chet read the report. "Theft. Grand theft auto, environmental crimes, counterfeiting, eating the world's largest potato chip, poaching and doing unspeakable things to a koala in Sydney's National Zoo. Before joining Cobra in the elite Dreadnok unit he was previously a member of the Melbourne Maulers Motorcycle Club but the group kicked him out for embezzlement, being too violent and burning down their clubhouse."

"Elite unit? The only thing elite about the Dreadnoks was that they were the most uncouth idiots that ever walked on this planet!" The Baroness rolled her eyes.

"Every now and then the universe just gives you a freebee," Destro smirked. He looked upwards. "Thank you universe!"

"Another report is that Winkin is also charged with burning down his castle in Scotland…" Chet read from the report.

"WHAT? NOOOOOO!" Destro yelled. "DAMN YOU UNIVERSE! YOU TRICKED ME INTO HAVING A SHRED OF HOPE AGAIN!"

"This just in, Winkin has just escaped from prison by his Dreadnok associates," Chet kept reading. "This is unbelievable…"

"You're telling me," Destro moaned. "It figures!"

"We are now getting reports that the Cobra terrorist unit the Dreadnoks have infiltrated Mongoose Incorporated over the past year…" Chet read another report. "We are now going live to a press conference being held outside the Mongoose Incorporated building in Los Angeles California."

"We at Mongoose Incorporated are shocked. Shocked at this turn of events," Commander Deming was seen in a grey business dress. "That our CEO was actually a terrorist disgusts and sickens us all. For weeks we have been cooperating with the FBI on what we thought was an unrelated fraud and embezzlement operation within our company. But we had no idea how far these criminal activities would go…"

"Yeah right! You backstabbing…" The Baroness grunted. "How much you want to bet Deming and the others were getting sick of Torch and the other Dreadnoks and had this cover story just waiting to protect themselves?"

"You really think they thought that far ahead?" Mindbender blinked.

"I wouldn't be surprised," The Baroness growled. "Deming may pretend to be a bleached blonde bimbo, mostly because she is…but when it comes to covering her behind she is surprisingly shrewd."

"In fact we discovered that several high ranking employees were members of the Dreadnoks…" Deming began when a series of laser shots interrupted her.

"You bloody little backstabbing tramp!" Zarana yelled as she and her two brothers ran out in their true attire. "You set us all up you did!"

"Did you really think people wouldn't notice that you were a family of criminals?" Deming shouted. "Especially when that pirate uncle of yours and his gang showed up on our door looking for handouts!"

"I was wondering what happened to the pirates," Cobra Commander remarked. "Now I know."

"And knowing is a good reason to invest in a digital recording device," Steve One snickered.

"You sold us out! YOU SOLD OUR NAMES OUT TO THE FBI TO SAVE YOURSELVES!" Zartan yelled. Several police officers tried to restrain the siblings.

"Somebody had to get rid of the **dead weight** in the company!" Deming shouted.

"I'll show you **dead weight** bitch!" Zarana managed to break free and started firing her laser blaster.

"Ah screw it!" Zartan yelled as he pulled out his blaster. "I was getting tired of hanging out in an office anyway! Dealing with pushing papers…Complaining jerks! I'VE HAD IT!"

"YOU WANNA PLAY IT THAT WAY? FINE!" Deming pulled out a blaster of her own. "LIKE I DIDN'T FIGURE OUT YOU ANIMALS WERE GONNA DO THIS!" She started firing along with a few security guards in business suits.

People were screaming. News reporters were ducking laser blasts. Papers were thrown in the air. "YOU'RE ONE TO TALK YOU KNOW? YOU WORKED IN COBRA TOO! ALMOST EVERYONE AT THE TOP WORKED FOR COBRA!" Zandar yelled as he fired.

"PROVE IT!" Deming cheered as she fired back.

"OH I CAN PROVE IT WITCH!" Zarana yelled. "HEY REPORTERS! GO ON COBRA CHRISTMAS PARTY DOT COM AND SEE WHAT SHE WAS DOING AT A COBRA CHRISTMAS PARTY FOR SEVERAL YEARS!"

"That video was taken down!" Deming shouted as she fired. A tree was hit by her laser blasts and caught on fire.

"I put it up again!" Zarana sneered. She fired her laser blaster. A man ran by screaming as he was on fire.

"Not to mention a few other incriminating videos over the years!" Zartan yelled as one of his stray laser blast blew up a nearby police car. "I've been keeping blackmail material on Cobra for years!"

"That wasn't me! That's my twin sister!" Deming shouted as she kept firing and shot up another tree.

"PULL THE OTHER ONE!" Zarana yelled as the firefight grew wilder.

"HA HA HA!" Cobra Commander laughed. "Nothing warms my heart more than a shootout at a press conference!"

"I guess it's too much to hope for that they'll all kill each other or get arrested by the authorities is it?" Destro sighed.

"Are you kidding? I've seen this lot get out of tougher scrapes at our old Christmas parties!" The Baroness gave him a look.

"Oh yeah," Cobra Commander thought. "Who would have thought we would get attacked by rogue ninjas for three years straight?"

"At least that won't happen this year so…" Destro shrugged.

"Hey for once we're not in the middle of the madness so I say enjoy it!" Cobra Commander laughed. Then a loud gurgle was heard in the hallway. "What was that?"

"Uh oh…" Mindbender blinked. "I knew I forgot to check the DNA fuser in Lab Three!"

"What did you do **now?"** Cobra Commander screamed.

"I may have thrown in some unusual biological samples in with my protoplasmic DNA recombinator just for giggles," Mindbender winced as the gurgling sound grew louder along with a sloshing sound.

"And what kind of _biological samples_ are we talking about?" Destro snapped.

"Oh nothing much. Just some eggs, some liquid calcium and…alcohol," Mindbender coughed.

"Liquid calcium? Wait, do you mean **milk**?" The Baroness did a double take.

"Uh yes…" Mindbender added.

"An **egg nog monster**? Seriously?" Cobra Commander shouted. "That is the stupidest…"

"GRURRBBLE BURRBLE!"

"What's that leaking through the door?" Steve One blinked.

"It smells like egg nog dude," Steve Two blinked.

The door broke through with a tidal wave of egg nog. A huge blob monster dripping all over with egg nog spilled over into the room. It shot out a torrent of egg nog from its huge jaws right at Cobra Commander.

"AAAAAKKKK!" Cobra Commander was covered in egg nog. "I HATE EGG NOG! TOO MUCH MILK AND NOT ENOUGH ALCOHOL IN IT! AAAGGGGH!"

"Great! On top of being broke and having no clue what we're doing, now we have to fight for survival against one of Mindbender's insane creations!" Destro yelled as he pulled out his blaster.

"In other words we're going to start the New Year the same way we've started all the other ones," The Baroness sighed.


	2. One Stooge Short

**One Stooge Short**

"Oh…my head…" Tomax moaned as he sat up in the conference room. His hair was standing up straight and he was covered in egg nog.

"It's like the Dreadnoks threw a party in it," Xamot his twin brother agreed, also in an equally disheveled state. He then looked around the trashed conference room. "Perhaps they did?"

"This is a bit more disconcerting than usual," Tomax frowned as the twins stood up.

"What the bloody hell happened here?" Xamot looked around. "It looks like someone vomited egg nog all over the place and then set it on fire."

"That's essentially what **did **happen," The Baroness staggered in. She was covered in egg nog and her hair smelled burnt. "Oh good. You two are finally awake. You can help with the clean-up."

"Baroness what happened?" Tomax said.

"Just what I said," The Baroness sighed as she made her way to the bar. "There's egg nog all over the place and Cobra Commander tried to get rid of it by using a flame thrower. Not the brightest of moves on something that is mostly made of alcohol."

"But how…?" Xamot began.

"Mindbender was fooling around with…" The Baroness began as she poured herself a drink.

"Say no more," Tomax interrupted, holding up his hand.

"Now we get the picture," Xamot groaned.

"All in all it was a typical Cobra New Year's Eve," The Baroness sighed as she sipped a drink. "Welcome to 2014."

"It's just as well we were unconscious," Tomax groaned. "What else did we miss?"

"Let's see…" The Baroness thought. "Oh both Steves are in the infirmary with a concussion and some food poisoning. They tried to drink the egg nog monster and apparently the eggs used were past their expiration date…"

"Good," Xamot grinned. "How did…"

"They get a concussion?" Tomax finished.

"They both slipped on the egg nog and hit their heads on each other," The Baroness sighed. "It was like a scene out of a Three Stooges movie. Only it was one stooge short."

"What else?" Xamot asked.

"Mongoose Incorporated fired Torch and the Dreadnoks," The Baroness went on. "After Torch burned down their headquarters. And Destro's castle. And a police station."

"It's about time," Tomax grunted.

"Yeah the cat is out of the bag on the Dreadnoks and their cover is blown," The Baroness nodded. "On the up side so is former Cadet Deming. After getting into a lovely firefight in front of the press, proof and some rather incriminating videos of her association with Cobra…And the two of you were leaked online."

"What kind of proof?" Xamot asked.

"The same kind of proof Kim Kardshian had with Ray J," The Baroness smirked. "Only there's two of you and her ass isn't half as big."

"It's not the one with us on the trampoline and the leaf blower is it?" Tomax realized.

"The trampoline, the leaf blower **and** the watermelon…" The Baroness grinned.

"Oh no…" Xamot winced. "That was not…"

"One of our better ones," Tomax winced at the same time.

"Anyway the rest of the traitors at Mongoose Incorporated got away scott free because Deming cut some deal not to testify against them and vice versa," The Baroness groaned. "At least that is what we can figure out."

"She must have a good attorney," Xamot mused.

"A real good one," The Baroness groaned. "She somehow managed to get any charges dropped against her and is now negotiating with E network for her own reality show."

"That woman has more lives than a cat," Tomax groaned. "Anything else?"

"SQUAWK! SQUAWK!"

"GET OFF ME! AAAGHHH! GET OFF ME YOU FLYING RATS!"

Cobra Commander ran by being attacked by several seagulls. "I HATE SEAGULLS! WHEN I BECOME RULER OF THE WORLD THE FIRST THING I AM GOING TO DO IS IMPLEMENT A SEAGULL EXTERMINATION PROGRAM! AAAAAH!"

"THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT COBRA COMMANDER!" Destro yelled as he ran after with some seagulls attacking him as well.

"I HAVE BIRD POOP ALL OVER MY UNIFORM!" Cobra Commander screamed. "AAAAHHH!"

"HOLD STILL COBRA COMMANDER!" Mindbender ran by wearing his outfit from the other night (yes the glittering purple short shorts) carrying a strange weapon. "I THINK I CAN FRY THOSE BIRDS OFF YOU!"

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZAAAAAPPP!

"YEOWWWW! YOU GOT ME YOU FOOL!" Cobra Commander screamed. "AAAAHH!"

"YOU'RE WORSE THAN THE SEAGULLS YOU HACK!" Destro ran by again with the birds.

"JUST HOLD STILL!" Mindbender ran by again.

"NO WAY IN HELL YOU DERANGED….AAAAAAH!" Destro yelled then a loud thud was heard. Then a mild explosion.

"Nothing more than usual," The Baroness shrugged.


	3. The First Felony of the Year

**The First Felony Of The Year**

"The first heist of the new year," Destro moaned. "This is degrading."

"This is the economy!" The Baroness snapped. "Times are tough and we have to get money to fund our organization by any means necessary!"

"The Baroness is right," Cobra Commander hissed. He was wearing a trench coat. "So Destro get back to work picking the lock while Baroness you keep a lookout."

"Look out? What look out? No one is here!" The Baroness sniffed.

"It's still a public place!" Cobra Commander hissed. "Someone could walk in here at any moment!"

"Calm down Cobra Commander," The Baroness rolled her eyes. "I put donuts laced with laxatives in the break room and I saw those security guards run like flies to a flytrap ten minutes ago. They will not interrupt us."

"But someone else could!" Cobra Commander hissed.

"Oh all right! But it's a waste of time," The Baroness groaned as she went to the door to be a look out.

"Destro keep working on that lock!" Cobra Commander ordered.

"I am working as fast as I can! Believe me Commander I want out of here just as much as you do!" Destro snapped. "Maybe even more! Your whining is only distracting me!"

"Sorry," Cobra Commander apologized. "I always get jittery on the first felony of the year."

"Well you can stop being nervous because I've got it!" Destro growled as he broke the lock.

"Jackpot!" Cobra Commander hissed with glee. "Well more or less…"

"Take everything," The Baroness ordered as she walked over. "The coast is clear."

"Everything?" Destro winced.

"Yes everything!" Cobra Commander pulled out a small bag. He pulled out several coins. "Cobra needs every penny it can get!"

"What about…?" Destro pointed to what else was in the vault.

"Take them too!" The Baroness said.

"Really?" Cobra Commander did a double take. "I don't think we're **that** desperate!"

"Just take them!" The Baroness snapped. "Well go on Commander!"

"I'm not touching those," Destro said to Cobra Commander.

"Fine! Never let it be said that I didn't do any dirty work!" Cobra Commander reluctantly took the other items in the vault.

"That will be a first," The Baroness quipped. "I should have brought my camera."

"We got it! We got it! Let's go!" Destro hissed.

"Fine…" The Baroness rolled her eyes and looked out the door. "The coast is clear."

"Go! Go! Go! Go!" Cobra Commander hissed as they ran out the door and were soon out of the building. They quickly entered the parking lot and jumped in an inconspicuous blue van. "We did it! We got away with it! We successfully evaded detection! Once again Cobra is victorious!"

"Oh please!" The Baroness snapped. "We were in a ladies' room in a JC Penny a week after New Year's! Nobody was going to be in that store! Let alone the sales clerks. Seriously. I didn't see a sales person in there. It was like they were all hiding in shame."

"I know the feeling. We just stole twenty nine dollars and fifty cents from a women's tampon dispenser," Destro moaned. "Never in my life have I been so ashamed to be a criminal."

"Not to mention some toilet paper," Cobra Commander added.

"And over forty dollars' worth of tampons and pads," The Baroness added. "That's at least two month's supply. Trust me those suckers really add up."

"Do you even **need **those anymore?" Cobra Commander asked the Baroness. "Really?"

"Don't go there Cobra Commander," Destro winced.

"I'm just saying I'm surprised," Cobra Commander spoke. "I know how old you really are Baroness. I'm amazed you still have eggs let alone…"

With one swift movement the Baroness sucker punched Cobra Commander in the stomach. "Ow…" Cobra Commander gasped.

"I warned you not to go there," Destro sighed as he drove the van.

"He did," The Baroness nodded. She punched Cobra Commander again.

"Ohhh…" Cobra Commander moaned. "When did all the fun go out of being the leader of a terrorist organization? Oohhhh."


	4. Stepping Up To Juvenile Delinquency

**Stepping Up To Juvenile Delinquency**

"Oh goody," Destro said sarcastically as the Cobras sat down in their conference room. "Just what I wanted. Another meeting."

"Not just any meeting. Today we are coming up with new plots for the new year," Cobra Commander said. "I'm getting sick and tired of these petty crime sprees. It's time Cobra did something bold and original! So I've got a few ideas."

"Does any of these ideas come from television?" Destro drawled. "Because I saw you watching that Breaking Bad marathon and I'm telling you right now I will **not** contribute to running a meth lab!"

"Are you telling me a man who used to sell nuclear bombs and other weapons of mass destruction suddenly has **principles**?' Cobra Commander snapped.

"I may not have many left, but yes," Destro snapped.

"Principles?" Tomax chuckled.

"Destro we once witnessed you blowing up an orphanage in order to demonstrate a product to a client!" Xamot added.

"In the first place that orphanage was going to be torn down anyway," Destro waved. "And it's not like there were any orphans inside. They had all been evacuated the day before."

"To a nice dingy sweatshop down the block," Xamot gave him a look.

"Which you were a part owner of," Tomax added.

"As I recall, you two were the other half of the ownership," Destro glared at them. "If you think about it those children were better off there anyway. They actually had a meal once a day and were learning skills. Not to mention there were far fewer rats and almost no lice in that building. It was practically a trade school."

"Yes **there's** where you draw the line," Mindbender rolled his eyes. "But there is a legitimate reason for not running a meth lab. It's been overdone. What we should do is come up with a brand new kind of drug and sell it!"

"If this is anything like some of your other drugs in the past we **shouldn't**," The Baroness gave him a look. "Remember C-Buzz back in 94?"

"Ooh, I'd forgotten about **that** one," Cobra Commander winced.

"Not surprising," The Baroness folded her arms. "You were high as a kite on the stuff for weeks! Not to mention…"

"Right. You have a point Baroness," Cobra Commander glared at Mindbender. "Never again will I allow one of Mindbender's concoctions to hit the open market!"

"In my defense I told you specifically that I needed more time to research and test the product before marketing!" Mindbender snapped. "You only gave me a week for crying out loud! Of course there were going to be some unexpected side effects."

"Growing an extra toe and boils on your backside the size of grapefruit aren't side effects!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Even I have to draw the line at drastic genetic mutations! And this is coming from a man who's had a few in his lifetime!"

"Wait that was **you guys**?" Steve Two spoke up. "My uncle George took that stuff, got huge bug eyes and grew gills."

"Yes, the wrath of the Federal Drug Agency was nothing compared to the hordes of unhappy customers," Cobra Commander groaned. "Some of which were our own troops."

"Take a lesson Steves," Tomax groaned. "It is never profitable to have even your lowest level employees buy your drug product."

"Especially if it is a failure," Xamot added. "And the employees know where the warehouse is…"

"And have access to flamethrowers," Tomax finished.

"All right. Fine. Drugs are off the table," Cobra Commander sighed. "There's too much competition in the market anyway what with all the cartels and the state of Colorado. We'll move on to other ideas."

"Like what?" Destro asked. "I ask knowing the answer will cause me nothing but headaches."

"Well I was going to save this for the end of the meeting," Cobra Commander took out some folders and passed them around to everyone at the table. "Make it my big finish. But considering the quality of ideas is rapidly going downhill…not to mention my reason to live I think we should go on with this one."

"Operation Russian Gold?" The Baroness read the title of the folder.

"You want to steal the medals from the Winter Olympics?" Destro was stunned as he looked at the files.

"All right! Road trip!" Steve One cheered as he high fived Steve Two.

"Are you out of your mind?" Destro yelled.

"Why not? It's bold! It's daring! It's just the shot in the arm Cobra needs to get back in the game!" Cobra Commander said. "Now before you dismiss this idea completely…"

"Too late…" The twins said as one.

"Read the bullet points and the plan," Cobra Commander went on. "Go on. Read it."

The Cobras read the folders for a moment in silence. "It's…a good plan," Destro was stunned. "How…?"

"I still have a few connections in Russia from the old days," Cobra Commander waved.

"This could work," The Baroness agreed. "It's risky but what the hell? It's better than what we've come up with before!"

"We agree," The Twins nodded.

"Why not?" Destro sighed. "Even though I know deep down somewhere this plan has a flaw in it."

"Road trip!" The Steves cheered with Mindbender.

"Okay so that's one good idea that I came up with," Cobra Commander was pleased with himself. "Now all of you need to come up with ideas."

"I…" Mindbender began.

"Except for you Mindbender!" Cobra Commander snapped. "You are exempt from the planning process! For obvious reasons!"

"When did I become a Dreadnok?" Mindbender snapped. "I'm not stupid you know? They don't give doctorate degrees in science, dentistry and animal husbandry to just anyone!"

"Oh let him spout out his insane idea," Destro waved. "Just to get it over with."

"Fine…" Cobra Commander sighed. "Go ahead Mindbender."

"Actually I have two ideas," Mindbender spoke up. "Now I know in the past we haven't had that much success with genetic mutations…"

Most of the table groaned with agony. "But if you hear me out I think I have a plan," Mindbender pressed on. "I've got some wonderful new DNA enhancers I've been working on. When they are ready we introduce them to a part of the population. Some small town no one knows about, put it into the water supply and…"

"In other words one of our older plans that failed miserably when GI Joe busted it up," Destro interrupted.

"Yes but this time there are no GI Joe moles in our organization!" Mindbender grinned.

"That we know of," Cobra Commander looked at the Steves.

"Uh no, not me," Steve One gave him a look. "Terrorist henchman. Remember?"

"Who's GI Joe?" Steve Two blinked.

"Okay so there are no moles," Cobra Commander waved. "Why not? Let's leave that plan in the pile. What's your other plan Mindbender?"

"Remember my mind control chewing gum?" Mindbender asked. "I redid the formula! We can make it synthetically! I just need one or two minor ingredients I can get uh…elsewhere."

"And where are these ingredients found?" Destro asked with a sigh.

"I'm sure I can pick them up at any aquarium or private zoo without much trouble," Mindbender waved.

"He did say aquarium didn't he?" Tomax asked his brother.

"And private zoo," Xamot sighed.

"Okay fine! Project Troublemint is approved also!" Cobra Commander waved. "Hey that's kind of clever. Okay we're actually being productive today! Let's get this ball rolling! Baroness what do you have?"

"Well if we are going to Russia I also have some contacts I can call on," The Baroness thought. "Maybe steal something?"

"Okay. Why not kill two birds with one stone?" Cobra Commander jotted it down on a piece of paper. "Let's do some brainstorming. Even though we are working with a limited number of brain cells. Crimson Twins what do you have?"

"We could try using the money we steal to take over another company and work from there," Xamot spoke.

"Using that as a base of operations," Tomax said.

"In other words nothing," Mindbender scoffed.

"Don't we already have a corporation? I mean aren't we a corporation?" Steve Two blinked.

"Let's just say there's been some downsizing and leave it at that," Cobra Commander sighed.

"But we do have a business! The fish shop!" Steve Two said. "Just yesterday I sold three three fish and a bucket of clams!"

"Wow. Three whole fish…" Xamot quipped.

"And a bucket of clams," Tomax smirked.

"Business is booming," The Twins said as one.

"At least he knows not to run his business to the ground!" Steve One glared at the twins.

"Yeah and the pot I sold the other day really…" Steve Two began. Steve One shushed him. "Oh right. Not supposed to talk about it."

"Looks like someone's hiding something," The twins chirped with glee.

"Oh goody," Destro groaned. "We're already in the drug business."

"Anything you'd like to share Steves?" Cobra Commander asked in an icy tone.

"It's just my local homemade stuff I grew myself," Steve Two shrugged. "I sell mostly to seniors who appreciate righteous chronic."

"How much?" The Baroness asked.

"Let's just say that new refrigerator filled with scotch didn't pay for itself," Steve One to a nearby mini refrigerator plugged in a corner.

"There's scotch here? Okay! Good use of funds Steve One!" Cobra Commander did a double take. "At least with you running things I know the money will be put to good use. Unlike some twin twerps I know!"

"We're in the room!" The Twins snapped.

"You know what? As productive as today has been I still feel that Cobra is missing something," Cobra Commander sighed.

"You mean like actual troops, weapons, funding…" Destro counted off. "A few tanks…"

"Besides that…" Cobra Commander waved. "I feel like Cobra has lost it's spark. I know! Let's go out and commit a few random crimes. That always makes me feel better."

"Oh goody, now we're stepping up to **juvenile delinquency**," Destro said sarcastically. "In case you haven't considered this aren't you lot going to be conspicuous?"

"Not with my new hologram watch!" Mindbender took something out. "I got the idea from this…program I viewed about possible alternate timelines."

"You mean cartoons?" Destro gave him a look. "Buck Rodgers?"

"X-Men Evolution," Mindbender shrugged and gave a watch to Cobra Commander. "Go on Commander. Try that button on the left."

"If this thing explodes and takes my arm off I will kill you Mindbender," Cobra Commander put on the watch. He turned it on.

"Well this takes me back," Tomax remarked as he saw the Commander's hologram.

"You look like you did on that road trip to Hell a few years ago," Xamot added. "You know?"

"The one where you looked like that insane Dean from Community?" Tomax added.

Indeed the Dean from Community sat there. "Hey the man won an Oscar and is a respected actor!" Cobra Commander replied in his usual voice. "I can live with this!"

"Unfortunately we have to live with it so…" The Baroness grimaced. "But I have to admit it is an improvement."

"I made one for you too Destro," Mindbender gave him one.

"Why does **he** need it?" Cobra Commander snapped. "All he has to do is take off his damn mask! I'm bluer than Papa Smurf, have more eyes than the waiting room at an optometrist's office and have more scales on me than the reptile house at the zoo! I have to wear this getup! He doesn't!"

"Yeah I've always wondered about that," Steve One gave him a look. "Nobody knows what you look like without the mask. You can just go on without it an a change of clothes."

"I wear this mask in respect for my ancestors," Destro gave him a look. "As lord of McCullen Castle…"

"Destro, McCullen Castle is now McCullen Parking Lot!" Cobra Commander interrupted. "And your family is pretty ticked off about that. There's no real point in you wearing that all the time. Unless you want to be a target."

"You…have a very vailid argument," Destro sighed.

"Now that I think about it, I have never seen your true face," The Baroness realized. "And we've slept together."

"We've seen Cobra Commander's face more than yours," Mindbender pointed out. "And no offense but you can't look any worse than he does."

"Even I have to admit that one is true," Cobra Commander nodded. "Come on Destro! Let's see it!"

"You're not going to shut up unless I do it aren't you?" Destro sighed.

"Take it off! Take it off!" The Steves and the Twins cheered.

"Take it off! Take it off!" Mindbender and the Baroness added.

"What do **you** think?" Cobra Commander gave him a look. "Take it off! Take it off!"

"All right! All right!" Destro worked with the controls of his mask. "I suppose we have worked together so long you might as well get a peek."

"Not to mention dated me!" The Baroness added. "Why do you keep forgetting that?"

"I wish we **could** forget that," Cobra Commander groaned. The Baroness glared at him.

Destro took his mask off. Everyone looked at him. "Oh. That's what you look like?" Mindbender sounded disappointed. "You don't even have a scar."

"I didn't know you had a beard," The Baroness blinked.

"You look like one of the well groomed cousins of those Duck Dynasty people," Cobra Commander blinked.

Destro had short red hair, a well groomed short red beard and mustache with blue eyes. "I'm sorry it's not as dramatic as you had hoped," He quipped.

"Sorry. It's just not what I pictured you at all," The Baroness said. "The red hair and beard I mean."

"You know I'm Scottish," Destro pointed out. "Quite a lot of Scotts have red hair."

"I just pictured you bald for some reason," Mindbender shrugged. "Must be because of the mask."

"I thought that too," Cobra Commander admitted.

"Yes well now that you have all had a good look…" Destro let out a sigh and a wave.

"Right! All right Cobra! Let's go out and cause some mayhem!" Cobra Commander clapped his hands together.

"What kind of mayhem?" The Baroness asked.

"I don't know. We'll just ride around up topside in one of the cars we found and see what happens," Cobra Commander waved.

"Well as long as you have a plan…" The Baroness groaned.

"I think I shall remain here," Destro sighed. "Someone has to stay behind and watch the base. And if necessary plan a jail breakout."

"Great! You and I can run the fish shop together!" Steve Two cheered.

"Oh…joy," Destro sighed.


	5. Fish On The Side

**Fish On The Side**

"I'd forgotten about sunburn," Destro grumbled to himself as he applied some lotion on his face. "Then again since I've worn that mask almost all the time for so long…"

"Like even in the shower?" Steve Two blinked. Both men were in the fish shack. Steve Two was wearing a blue T shirt and white shorts with flip flops. Destro was wearing a red and white Hawaiian shirt and white shorts with sneakers.

"Sometimes," Destro admitted with a shrug. His face was now red with sunburn.

"Dude doesn't it, you know? Rust?"

"Not really. It's not a normal metal but a special alloy my company used to make," Destro explained.

"And it didn't hurt?" Steve Two asked.

"Not really. It was a little odd when I first put it on decades ago but compared to some of the masks my ancestors endured…" Destro shrugged.

"So why do you wear it again?" Steve Two blinked.

"Ever hear of the story 'The Man In The Iron Mask'?" Destro sighed. "Let's just say my direct ancestor was the inspiration for that story."

"You mean the one with Leonitus De Capricorn? That was a good movie," Steve Two said. "So wait…Your ancestor was a rich prince who had an evil twin or something?"

"More like a Scottish lord wrongly accused of witchcraft," Destro said. "Of course his real crime was supplying weapons to the Scottish rebels and he got caught. But he was too politically powerful to be killed so the king forced him to wear an iron mask for the rest of his days."

"Dude that's way harsh…" Steve Two whistled.

"It wasn't so bad. After a year my ancestor broke out of prison and found a good locksmith," Destro said. "But by then he got used to it so he made it able to put on the mask whenever he wanted. Then his sons and daughter decided to wear the mask to show their allegiance to their father and defiance to the king. And the tradition went on from there."

"Oh cool," Steve Two nodded. He looked outside. From the shack they had a good view of the beach. "Beautiful day bro…"

"Too bad it's marred by being stuck here," Destro sighed. "Then again I suppose staying in a fish shack is better than whatever mayhem Cobra Commander is up to. God how I've fallen. I used to be the head of my own multi-billion dollar corporation and now look where I am. Selling fish out of a shack."

"I hear ya, man," Steve Two sighed. "I know exactly how you feel."

"Do you?" Destro raised an eyebrow.

"Oh yeah. You think I always hung out here selling fish with pot stuffed in 'em?" Steve Two asked.

"The pot is inside the fish?" Destro looked at one of the fish. "That explains the smell…"

"Pretty clever right?" Steve Two smiled.

"Basically this is a pot store that sells fish on the side? Well I've heard of weirder ventures…" Destro sighed.

"There was a time where I owned my own business. Before this one I mean. Yeah I was a real big shot back then. Had a big store and everything. Even owned a suit," Steve Two sighed.

"And what business is that?"

"I owned my own surfboard shop," Steve Two sighed. "Had my own patented surfboard wax too that the bros loved. I was raking in the dough and king of the world. Until the scandal broke…That's when it all went downhill."

"Scandal? What scandal? Did you steal money?" Destro was intrigued. "Was it the pot?"

"Nah those things didn't matter," Steve Two waved. "I tell ya the surfboard and surfboard wax business got really cutthroat. Bunch of the big surfboard and surf wax corporations tried to muscle me out. They must have had one of their spies lurking around my shop or something. Only way I can figure out how they knew."

"Knew what? What did you do that ruined your business?"

"It's what I **didn't **do. I…" Steve Two sighed. "I don't know how to surf."

"I see…" Destro said.

"It's not that I didn't try to learn how to surf I just can't do it!" Steve Two said. "Got this inner ear thing that makes it hard for me to balance. As you can imagine nobody wants to buy surfing gear from a guy who can't surf. So I had no choice but to torch the place down for insurance and move on to something else."

"You actually thought of that?" Destro was surprised.

"No technically I only thought of the insurance part…." Steve Two sighed. "After my ex-girlfriend burned my shop down. We kind of had this big fight about me having a date with her best friend and it kind of got out of hand."

"I've been there," Destro admitted. "And I have the burn scars to prove it."

"So I went to another town where my buddy got me this job in insurance and was able to well…let's just say change a few dates around so I could get some money from my old shack," Steve Two went on. "It was a bummer to wear a tie and stuff but it paid the bills for about a year."

"I see."

"For a while it looked like I was gonna be okay then…" Steve Two sighed. "Then I made a real bonehead move. I hooked up with my manager's wife. He was not a happy camper. Here's a tip, if you ever have an affair in your boss' office make sure the door is locked. And there aren't any cameras in the room."

"Surprisingly I do understand," Destro blinked. "Okay in my case there were two women and they were part of this sheik's harem who was a client of mine but the sentiment is the same. And yes I learned the hard way about checking for cameras in a room before having an affair."

"Long story short after that job I did a few other jobs but I kind of screwed up…by screwing around with the wrong people," Steve Two admitted. "So I moved to this island. The only reason I opened up this place was I figured it was one of the last places my ex-girlfriends would look for me."

"Again, I get it," Destro admitted. "God knows I had to come up with some odd hideouts to escape from the Baroness."

"Huh. You know dude, you and I are a lot alike," Steve Two remarked. "Maybe it's like fate that we're working together."

"While I admit there are some similarities in our lives I hardly believe fate had a hand in our **temporary partnership**," Destro sighed. "And as for fate I tend to reserve that for the actions of man. In particular one man, Cobra Commander!"

"Hey you know something dude?" Steve Two whispered. "Between you and me…I think there's something weird about Cobra Commander."

"How very astute of you Steve Two," Destro drawled.

A man with a long brown beard, blue T-Shirt, jean shorts, flip flops and scraggly hair walked up. "I'd like my tuna surprise please."

"Oh yeah here ya go Ray," Steve Two handed him a fish wrapped in brown paper. "One tuna surprise coming right up."

"Let me guess," Destro remarked. "The surprise is what's inside the tuna?"

"No man," Ray gave Destro a look. "The surprise is that it's a snapper."

"Of course," Destro groaned.

"Who's the new guy?" Ray pointed to Destro.

"Friend of mine. Going through a rough patch. You know how it is," Steve Two shrugged. "Ten bucks."

"Pretty cheap for marijuana don't you think?" Destro asked.

"You sell pot here? Since when?" Ray did a double take.

"Ray is one of my few **real **fish customers," Steve Two winced. "I guess I should have told you."

"Yeah you should have told me!" Ray spoke up. "I want some of that too!"

"I can't believe this is my life," Destro moaned.

"Hey yo! What's this?"

Destro looked and saw five old men in colorful Italian shirts and shorts walking up to them. "Hey punk! This is Big Louie's turf! Didn't I warn you before about selling weed in my territory! And you taking one of my customers?" A bald man with hair coming out of his ears snapped.

"Hey man he was just selling me fish! I didn't know about the pot until just now," Ray defended.

"Hey nobody sells on Big Louie's turf without Big Louie's permission!" Big Louie snapped.

"Since when is this your turf?"

"What the…?" Destro did a double take as some more old men walked in. Or in the case of their leader rode in on a mobile scooter.

"This is one of my guys! He pays me good protection!" The old man on a motor scooter snarled. "You got no business here Louie!"

"Listen Wheels," Big Louie snapped. "I'm in charge of this whole freaking island!"

"Yeah right! My nephew is the chief of police you numb nut," Wheels wheezed. "Which means I'm in charge!"

"He don't even like you!" Another old man from Big Louie's called out. "Calls you a cheapskate!"

"That's because he's a punk who thinks he knows it all and is always looking for money!" Wheels snapped. "The point is that you are on my turf and unless you want a knuckle sandwich you better scram!"

"And who's gonna make me?" Big Louie snarled.

"I'm gonna make you!" Wheels snapped.

"Is there a real cartel on this island or…?" Destro whispered to Steve Two.

"Not exactly," Steve Two explained. "This is the island where the old timers that survive the cartels come. The guys who run the cartels let this place alone so their uncles and grandpas can duke it out."

"I see…" Destro sighed.

"You wanna rumble like the old days Louie?" Wheels snarled. "I'll run you over!"

"Aren't you gonna be late for the early bird special Wheels?" Big Louie snarled. "I know how you like to eat!"

"I got plenty of time before the four o'clock seating at the casino buffet!" Wheels snapped.

"I forgot about the casino," Destro remembered. "The twins own the casino which means…Why am I **here**?"

"Good question! I'd better go!" Ray ran for his life.

"You wanna rumble fool? I'll rumble!" Big Louie snarled. "Just let me get my teeth in and I'll bite your ear off!"

"Seriously I could have been sitting in an air conditioned casino all day instead of a hot illegal bait shop smelling like stoned fish!" Destro groaned. "I hate my life!"

"You're going down Big Louie!" Wheels revved up his scooter.

"You're going down clown!" Big Louie shouted as his men brandished canes and pistols.

"All right I think I am going to cut this short," Destro sighed as he pulled a small laser blaster from his pocket.

"Geeze! Louie! He's packing heat!" One of the older men yelled. "Where's my bullets?"

Some of the elderly men were pretty spry and started to shoot back. "It's a three way turf war!" Someone yelled. "OW! MY HIP!"

"You got shot in the hip George?" Another old man called out.

"No, I threw my hip out! OWWW! MEDIC ALERT! MEDIC ALERT!"

"Good thing I got a gun from my cousin Jack for Christmas!" Steve Two said cheerfully as he pulled out a gun from under the counter. "I always wanted to use this thing! Whoo hoo!"

"Just how I wanted to spend my afternoon," Destro groaned. "Dealing with cranky customers and having a turf war. Now that I think about it, this is **exactly** like the old days!"


	6. We Missed Happy Hour

**We Missed Happy Hour**

"How long is it going to take Mindbender and Steve One to do this anyway?" Cobra Commander grumbled as he sat in the passenger side of the front of the van. He was wearing his human hologram.

"Hopefully not long," The Baroness sighed. She was wearing a trench coat over her usual uniform.

"How long does it take to rob a laundromat?" Cobra Commander hissed. "Especially when the owner of the laundromat is in on it?"

"Technically it's not the owner," The Baroness corrected. "It's the manager that's related to the owner. I forget how."

"Oh God, I hope Mindbender isn't…." Xamot began. He and his brother were also wearing trench coats.

"Don't put that image in my head!" Tomax hissed. "Too late…"

"It's there…" Xamot finished. Both twins shuddered in horror.

"What? What do you…?" Cobra Commander began. "Oh no wait. **Now** I know what you're talking about!"

"What are you talking about?" The Baroness asked.

"Why did you **mention** that?" Cobra Commander snapped at the twins. "Now I'm not going to be able to take a nap in the car if I have to! Too many nightmares!"

"What nightmares?" The Baroness snapped.

"The nightmares about Mindbender having sex with…" Xamot rolled his eyes. Everyone in the car yelled in protest. "Well **someone** had to say it!"

"You're just Mr. Tactful as always aren't you brother?" Tomax groaned.

"Oh for crying out loud are you bringing up the Deber Contract again?" Xamot gave him a look. "I thought you were over that!"

"Oh yes I'm over losing a ten million dollar deal over the fact that you couldn't keep your mouth shut for ten minutes!" Tomax glared at his brother.

"Again, there was no way I could have known that the blonde we had sex with in the elevator twenty minutes ago was his wife!" Xamot snapped.

"The fact that she had the same last name as him should have been a clue!" Tomax snarled.

"I didn't know! I'm not the one who spoke to her!"

"You were in the same elevator as me! You should have overheard…"

"Oh great…" The Baroness groaned. "I hate when they fight."

"The only thing more annoying than those two when they are in synch is when they are out of synch," Cobra Commander agreed. "They're going to be in a mood all day…"

"And that is why we both agreed to never wear noise cancelling headphones while on a tryst again!" Xamot finished. "Although we could have used them back at that gun show in 86."

"Oh and that's **my fault?"** Tomax glared at his brother.

"If you two don't shut up I'm kicking you out of this car and onto the freeway!" Cobra Commander snapped.

"We're back!" Mindbender said cheerfully as he returned to the van with Steve One and some huge sacks. Both were wearing black turtlenecks and jeans with boots.

"Finally! What were you doing in there for over an hour?" Cobra Commander snapped. "On second thought don't answer that."

"We got over a hundred and twenty five dollars in change," Mindbender went on. "Plus the five hundred dollars we made selling the laundry detergent we stole on the black market. Not to mention some new socks I desperately needed and a nice…"

"Wait, wait back up a second," Cobra Commander interrupted. "What's this about the five hundred dollars?"

"Oh well it was a thousand from the dealer but I had to split it with the manager so…" Mindbender explained.

"Are you telling me there is a black market out there for **laundry detergent**?" The Baroness was stunned. "Who runs it? Mr. Clean?"

"Of course there is. Have you seen the prices for detergent at the grocery stores? It's outrageous!" Mindbender said. "And people call us criminals!"

"So you made more money stealing laundry detergent…?" Xamot blinked.

"Then actually stealing money?" Tomax blinked.

"Just when I think the human race can't get any dumber or more insane…" Cobra Commander groaned. "Okay let's get out of here."

"To where? That was the only thing I had to do," Mindbender asked.

"Well there has to be some mayhem Cobra can do on the mainland!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Everyone think!"

"There's a museum of dishtowels in the next town we can burn down!" Steve One said cheerfully.

"How do you even know that?" Tomax asked.

"We had a talk about it with the manager at the laundromat," Steve One said. "Apparently he's in some kind of feud with the caretaker."

"Why not?" Cobra Commander asked. "We've blown up other crappy museums. Might as well destroy another one."

"Maybe the laundry manager will give us a discount the next time we rob this store?" The Baroness groaned as she drove off.

"Turn the radio on," Steve One said.

"Sure all we need is music to terrorize people by," The Baroness sighed as she did so. "Maybe the music will shut you all up?"

"Oh this is my jam! I **love **this song!" Cobra Commander turned up the volume. _"Everybody wants to rule the world…"_

"Great," Tomax rolled his eyes.

"He's going to be in a mood all day," Xamot agreed.

An hour later….

"Where the hell is this museum anyway?" The Baroness groaned.

"It doesn't matter," Cobra Commander grumbled. "We're at least an hour away from anything thanks to all this traffic!"

"Just be patient. It can't last much…" The Baroness took a whiff. "What's that smell?"

"It's not me," Mindbender frowned. "For once."

"It's the truck in front of us!" Cobra Commander grumbled. "See the smoke coming out of a barely functioning muffler?"

"Great and people complain about big companies poisoning the air," Steve One winced.

"Just relax and it will be over soon…" The Baroness sighed.

Fifteen minutes later….

"I HATE TRAFFIC!" Cobra Commander yelled.

"I'm hungry," Steve One said.

"I could eat," Mindbender said. "You could eat?"

"I want to eat something besides the smoke from the stupid truck in front of us!" Cobra Commander hissed.

"Stop shoving me!" Xamot hissed at his brother.

"You stop shoving me!" Tomax shoved his brother.

"IF YOU MANIACS DON'T STOP RIGHT NOW I WILL TURN THIS VAN AROUND AND WE WILL GO BACK TO THE SEAPORT AND THEN BACK TO THE ISLAND!" The Baroness yelled. "DO YOU WANT THAT TO HAPPEN?"

"YES!" The twins said as one.

"That would teach us a lesson," Tomax added.

"Only way we'll learn," Xamot added.

"Nice try you twits!" Cobra Commander hissed. "But I'm going to destroy something today so…"

"Besides our will to live?" The Baroness remarked.

"You have definitely been hanging around Destro too much," Cobra Commander pointed out.

"I know!" Mindbender said cheerfully. "How about we play a game to pass the time?"

"Fine," Cobra Commander said icily. "Let's play 'How Much is Mindbender An Annoying Pratt'?"

"He's a psychopathic loser who would creep out Norman Bates," The Baroness groaned.

"Whoa. Good one right out of the gate," Cobra Commander realized.

"Eh I've had that one waiting for quite some time," The Baroness said.

"How about this? Mindbender is the most annoyingly cheerful…" Xamot began.

"Medical miscreant since Dr. Frankenstein decided to stitch together some body parts to see what would happen," Tomax finished.

"At least I'm **trying** to do something positive!" Mindbender snapped. "It's not like you twin twerp tightwads! Hording your money and secret bases!"

"Oh yeah I forgot I hate the Crimson Twins more," Cobra Commander glared at the twins. "Okay new game. What About the Twins Annoy Me the Most?"

"Ooh! I've got one!" Steve One called out. "They're cheap!"

"They're arrogant," Mindbender glared at the twins.

"Corsican Twits," The Baroness added.

"Another good one! And it works on so many levels!" Cobra Commander was impressed.

"Right? I'm amazed I didn't think of that sooner," The Baroness nodded.

"Oh yeah the whole they can feel each other's pain thing like that Cheech and Chong movie," Steve One agreed.

"Don't pick on us!" Xamot hissed.

"Pick on Mindbender!" Tomax added. "At least…"

"We don't date our own experiments!" Xamot finished.

"At least none of my experiments slash dates stole millions of dollars from me!" Mindbender snapped. "Okay they ate a few assistants but still…"

"He has a point boys," The Baroness sighed. "You do deserve it more than he does."

"Not much more but more," Cobra Commander said.

"Hey look there's the exit!" Steve One pointed.

"Go! Go! Go!" The Twins shouted.

"Shut up or I swear to God I will blow your kneecaps off!" The Baroness snapped as she drove. "It's like dealing with children! Thank God I never had any…"

"And God thanks you as well," Cobra Commander retorted.

"You want me to throw you out of this car?" The Baroness snarled. "Shut up and let me drive!"

"I'm hungry," Steve One spoke up.

"Who cares?" Cobra Commander shouted.

"Just be quiet! We're almost there!" The Baroness snapped. "So what's the plan?"

"We go in, set an overpriced dishtowel on fire. We get out. That's it!" Cobra Commander said. "It's not rocket science people!"

"No, just one of your normal **well thought out** plans," Tomax sneered.

"You two are so close to getting a taster right in your…" Cobra Commander snarled. He started to cough. "Are we still behind that stupid truck?"

"No we left it when we got off the highway," The Baroness sniffed. "But I still smell smoke."

"So do I," Xamot said.

"Oh crap the car isn't on fire is it?" Cobra Commander looked around.

"No, but that is!" Steve One pointed.

"Oh great!" The Baroness groaned when she saw what was in front of her. "What are the odds that we go off to burn down a building only to find out that it's **already **on fire?"

"With this group, pretty good," Mindbender sighed.

"No wonder there's so much traffic," Steve One remarked.

"Oh this is just **stupid**…" Cobra Commander hissed.

"That pretty much sums up my entire life," The Baroness groaned.

A few more hours later…

"Well that was a colossal waste of time!" Cobra Commander snapped as he entered the rec room in the base. His hologram was off and the Cobras had shed their disguises for their usual uniforms.

"It was one of your plans," Xamot pointed out.

"Shut up!" Cobra Commander hissed.

"Well it couldn't have been too bad," Destro remarked from where he was sitting. He was wearing his usual mask and uniform and was looking at a data pad. "You're all here and not in jail. I don't see any broken bones and no one has been set on fire."

"Not yet," The Baroness glared at the others.

"Do I want to know what mayhem you caused?" Destro asked in a tired voice.

"What mayhem? We drove around all day stuck in traffic and the one place we were going to burn down was already on fire!" Cobra Commander threw up his hands.

"Don't forget my laundromat deal!" Mindbender spoke up. "And I got some new socks!"

"Oh Hooray for new socks!" Cobra Commander said in a sarcastic tone. "Let's all rejoice that Mindbender's feet are covered!"

"Actually I'm happy any part of his body is covered," The Baroness sighed. "So what did you do, Destro?"

"Nothing much," Destro shrugged. "Sold some fish filled with pot. Then got involved in a minor drug turf war. We won by the way."

"I see," Cobra Commander remarked.

"I convinced Steve Two to move his growing operation to one of the unused labs down here," Destro went on. "While he was transferring his equipment I made a quick check to see if the police department on this island was taking bribes from the old dealers. They were. We now have protection."

"What happened to the old dealers?" Mindbender asked.

"They either died in the shootout or just fled," Destro waved. "Two had heart attacks. One broke his hip. Another's scooter short circuited by a bullet and zoomed off into the ocean where he got eaten by some sharks. Long story short we are now the main suppliers of weed on this island."

"We are?" Cobra Commander asked.

"Well technically there are three other growers but I talked to them and they agreed to work on their local farms for our benefit," Destro waved. "They were surprisingly reasonable. All I had to do was offer them protection and give them some alcohol. It helped that they were all drunk hippies so…"

"Well somebody had a productive day," Cobra Commander blinked.

"I'm glad someone did," Tomax grumbled.

"That reminds me," Destro picked up a pad. "I also had time to skim the financial reports of that casino the twins own. On this island…"

"Oh you remembered about that?" Xamot gulped.

"You mean we could have sat around in a casino all day instead of being stuck in traffic?" Mindbender snapped.

"I don't believe it! I bet we missed happy hour!" Cobra Commander snapped.

"I know. I felt the same way when I realized it too," Destro rolled his eyes. "Anyway as I was saying I checked out the finances and last year the casino made a tidy profit."

"How tidy are we talking about?" The Baroness asked.

"Sixty three million dollars," Destro shrugged. "Would have been more but there were taxes so…"

"SIXTY THREE MILLION DOLLARS AND YOU HAD US SCROUNGING AROUND IN A WOMEN'S BATHROOM FOR MONEY?" Cobra Commander yelled at the Crimson Twins.

"Forget that! We were practically homeless for nearly two years!" Destro pointed out.

"Right that's even worse!" Cobra Commander glared at the twins.

"Somebody's gonna get it…" Steve One chuckled.

"Shut up Steve!" Xamot and Tomax glared at their former minion.

"Do you realize what this means?" The Baroness said.

"We can pay for toilet paper instead of stealing it?" Mindbender remarked.

"Actually I find that rather relaxing," Cobra Commander shrugged. Then he glared at the twins. "In means that all these years the Twins have been holding out on us and that Cobra is no longer broke!"

"Sir, permission to taser the twins until they pass out!" Steve One saluted.

"Permission granted!" Cobra Commander snarled.

"Oh I want to get in on this," Mindbender cackled as he pulled out a small taser.

"You keep a taser handy?" Destro asked.

"For emergencies," Mindbender shrugged. "It's very handy in my line of work."

"I see…" Destro nodded.

"Actually it was also handy in my old line of work," Mindbender went on. "When I was a dentist and had some particularly stubborn patients."

"I'm going to stop you right there and just let you get on with the tasing," Destro held up his hand.

"Yeah the twins should be the ones in pain instead of us!" Cobra Commander pointed to the twins. "Go get 'em!"

"AAAAAHHH! NOT AGAIN!" The twins yelled as they ran from a cackling Mindbender and a gleeful set of Steves.

"So to recap, once again Cobra has a base of operations…" Destro counted off. "Some decent financial funds and contacts…"

"YEEWOWWWWWWW!"

"And the walls are echoing with the sounds of the Corsican Twits' misery," The Baroness grinned. "You know what this means right?"

"WE'RE BACK BABY!" Cobra Commander laughed. "HA HA HA HA HA!"


	7. Three Lizards And A Panda

**Three Lizards And A Panda**

"Now **this **is how a terrorist organization **should be** run!" Cobra Commander cackled as he spread his arms wide. All around him were people in Cobra uniforms working and making deals on telephones in a large office.

"I couldn't believe how many people we were able to get to join Cobra," The Baroness agreed. "I guess the economy is worse than we thought."

"It really says something when a terrorist organization can employ more people than the so called legal corporations," Cobra Commander huffed.

"Yes it has been a long time since Cobra has been this busy," Destro nodded as he followed Cobra Commander into a large conference room.

"For once I think we might actually have a productive meeting," The Baroness agreed as the head Cobras all sat down at a large table in the conference room.

"You know there was a time I thought I'd never see the light at the end of the tunnel," Destro admitted. "But finally Cobra has triumphed!"

"Or at the very least is out of the red," Mindbender nodded.

"I admit I had my doubts too," Cobra Commander said. "But Cobra has been tested…"

"In ways we couldn't even **imagine,**" Destro groaned.

"And we've come out stronger and more resolved than ever!" Cobra Commander finished. "Now let's get this meeting underway. Let's start with you Mindbender. I take it that you are no longer stealing from laundromats?"

"No, and I have finally gotten up a proper laboratory with real assistants!" Mindbender grinned. "My diamond creation machine has been built and is no longer a converted E-Z bake oven and soon more money will roll in. We are already working on several real viable scientific projects that will increase Cobra's power!"

"Excellent!" Cobra Commander beamed.

"And uh by the way," Mindbender coughed. "If anyone happens to see a giant lizard roaming the hallways or the air ducts please give my lab a call."

"You mutated a lizard and it got loose **again**?" The Baroness snapped.

"Uh technically I mutated three lizards and a panda," Mindbender shrugged. "But only two of the lizards got out."

"Oh great this is going to be like the company luau in 86!" The Baroness groaned.

"Where did you get a panda?" Destro asked Mindbender.

"I had some panda DNA in storage and cloned it," Mindbender waved. "And added a few extras. Oh and another FYI, if you see a talking panda about six feet tall walking around Cobra Commander you are not having delusions."

"Thanks for the head's up," Cobra Commander said sarcastically. "Now let's go on to something a little less dangerous with our head of our business organization. Steve One! Which by the way Steve One you should really come up with a new codename…"

"I've been working on that all morning," Steve One said wearing a blue business suit. "How's this…The Capitalist!"

"Uh…too Cold War era," The Baroness blinked.

"Yeah it's kind of dated," Mindbender agreed.

"Okay that's fine, I've got a few others," Steve One said. "How about…Collateral Damage? Huh? That's a good one huh?"

"Ehhh…" Cobra Commander made a shaky motion with his hand. "I get what you're going for but…"

"Why is our former lackey in charge of the business division of Cobra?" Tomax snapped.

"Finances are our job!" Xamot agreed.

"It **was** your job," The Baroness glared at him. "And look what happened!"

"After what you two tightwad twerps **did** to us?" Cobra Commander hissed. "You're lucky we don't make you janitors!"

"Your job is security. Deal with it," Destro glared at the twins.

"I've got it!" Steve One spoke up. "Zero Fund! You could call me Zero for short! It's perfect! It's secretive! It's edgy…"

"It describes the amount of brain cells in your head," Xamot folded his arms.

"Good one," Tomax smirked.

"You know what? I do like that," Cobra Commander glared at the twins. "All right as of now Steve One shall be called Zero. Or Zero Fund. Whichever. Makes things a lot easier. Zero Fund report!"

"Oh…All I did today was try to figure out my name," Zero blinked.

"An apt name if there ever was one," Tomax rolled his eyes.

"Hey! It's not like I didn't make sure everything was working before I started you know?" Zero snapped. "I had to get the new accountants settled in. I had to get all the business stuff going…I even had to finish the company newsletter and get it printed on time! That paper doesn't print itself you know?"

"Okay we're just shortening your name to Zero," Cobra Commander sighed. "To avoid confusion here."

"Plus I had to finish writing that contract with that new porno agency and start getting things set up for when they move in!" Zero said. "I had to get them set up in a nice studio, and lights and…"

"Wait now we're working with the **Porn Industry**?" Destro did a double take.

"Uh yeah," Zero rolled his eyes. "Haven't you been reading the papers? It's too expensive to film out in LA anymore! Plus there's tons of new regulations and stuff that are killing the business in that town! That's why this island is perfect for Sex-A-Tron Productions! Low overhead, fewer regulations, condoms are optional…Just have a few doctor checkups every now and then to make sure the actors don't have any diseases and voila!"

"That is disgusting even by Cobra standards!" Xamot snarled.

"Which admittedly are extremely low!" Tomax nodded.

"Now hang on," Cobra Commander waved. "Maybe Zero is onto something?"

"It is a lucrative source of revenue," Destro nodded.

"There is a market and like it or not Cobra can fufill it," Mindbender agreed.

"I've already made the deal and signed the contracts," Zero nodded. "The first production meeting is next week and we've got some decent talent lined up."

"Now when you say talent…" Cobra Commander looked at him.

"Actresses yes," Zero nodded. "Oh and yes Cobra Commander I've arranged for you and I to meet them and have a say in uh, recruiting talent."

"Zero Fund…You're the smartest hire I've ever made!" Cobra Commander chuckled. Then he looked around the room. "Then again it's not like the bar was raised very high."

"Now wait a minute!" Xamot and Tomax yelled.

"You can't be serious!" Xamot snapped.

"This has to be unanimous!" Tomax agreed. "Baroness…"

"Don't tell me you of all people are going to go along with this!" Xamot finished.

"Well it wouldn't be the first time Cobra has employed **whores**," The Baroness gave them a look. "But at least these ones will be filling Cobra's coffers instead of stealing them blind!"

"You're never going to let go of that Deming thing aren't you?" Tomax groaned.

"What do you think?" Destro rolled his eyes.

"I warned you years ago about that lying little tramp but did you listen to me? Nooooo!" The Baroness shouted. "As long as the so called 'actresses' aren't underage and willing I have no problem with it!"

"Neither do I," Destro nodded. He looked at Zero. "They're not into child porn are they?"

"Oh no," Zero nodded. "In fact…let's just say a lot of their films go…the other direction of the age scale."

"Old porn?" Tomax wrinkled his nose.

"Hey don't knock all of it!" Mindbender snapped. "Lola La Voom is in her seventies but you'd never know it! Rarrr!"

"Great we're going to be hosting the Betty White of the porn world," Xamot moaned.

"Not all of them are going to be in their seventies," Zero said. "Just a good number of them. That's where the scouting for new talent comes in…"

"So give Zero a break!" Cobra Commander snapped. "He's coming up with new ideas working his fingers to the bone and all you do is criticize him! The man has a company newspaper to run for crying out loud!"

"Wow," The Baroness blinked. "I think we have the winner of the 'Fastest Suck Up' Award at this table."

"Just because Zero is looking after our bottom line doesn't make him a suck up," Cobra Commander pointed at her.

"Actually I was referring to **you…**" The Baroness gave him a look.

"Perhaps we should press on?" Destro sighed.

"Fine," Cobra Commander sighed. "Destro, what's your status on your department? What exactly do you do again?"

"Besides being your second in command, doing all your actual work and trying desperately to keep this place from burning to the ground?" Destro gave him a look.

"Look I said I was sorry about the fire in your office! It was accidental," Cobra Commander said. "And obviously trying to put out a wastebasket fire with vodka was a very bad idea! Mea Culpa!"

"Well after the little _incident_…" Destro growled. "I decided to work on some new weapons we can either use or market. Depending on how well they do in testing. Of course I would have gotten more done if it hadn't been for…"

"Again my bad," Cobra Commander interrupted. "I'm not used to the new phone system. I'm sorry I kept calling you every five minutes. I was trying to get an outside line."

"Obviously," Destro rolled his eyes. "Commander what have I told you about those party lines?"

"It's not a regular party phone sex thing!" Cobra Commander said. "It's a specific one for villains! Rescindar gave it to me before we left Australia."

"Who's Rescindar?" Zero asked.

"It's a long story that I don't want to go into…" Destro sighed.

"Nobody wants to go into **that** story," Cobra Commander agreed. "Baroness why don't you give your report?"

"Marketing is all set up as well as some possible targets for espionage," The Baroness folded her arms. "Human Resources are in full swing. And Vapor has the pot greenhouse up and running as well as today's shipment sent out to our distributors."

"Who's Vapor?" Tomax asked in a confused tone.

"That's Steve Two's codename!" Zero snapped. "It's in the newsletter!"

"Wait didn't we already have a Vapor?" Xamot asked.

"Yes, but he died years ago," The Baroness gave him a look. "Remember?"

"Was he the one who crashed his plane into that mountain while…?" Tomax remembered.

"Yes," The Baroness sighed.

"And I always thought texting while driving was dangerous," Xamot winced.

"He died because he was texting while flying?" Zero asked.

"No, this was before texting," Cobra Commander groaned. "Let's just say Vapor had a habit of bringing other toys into his fighter jet and using them while flying!"

"We're not talking action figures are we?" Zero blinked.

"No!" Everyone groaned at the same time.

"By the way please don't tell the new Vapor how the old Vapor died!" Cobra Commander spoke up. "Don't want to give him ideas. Well I think this has been a productive meeting. For once everything is going Cobra's way and nothing can stop us!"

"Don't say that Cobra Commander," Destro groaned. "Don't tempt the universe."

"What do you mean?" Cobra Commander asked. "Cobra hasn't been doing this well in years! What could possibly happen to wreck it?"

Just then an alarm went off. "Sir! We have a situation in the underground hangar bay!" A soldier's voice came over the intercom.

"We have an underground hangar bay?" Cobra Commander did a double take. "I knew about the underground garage and dock but…"

"You really should take an inventory of the resources this base has…" Destro groaned.

"Oh something to put in my newsletter!" Zero said cheerfully.

"Fine! Put a map of the entire base in it!" Cobra Commander waved. "I don't care! Just who the hell is…?"

They went to the computer at the other end of the room. The Baroness turned on the security footage. "Hey! Let us in you toffs!" Buzzer was shown shouting at some Cobra soldiers.

"Oi! Zartan you said this dump would be deserted!" Torch in his old outfit, hairstyle and beard was shown.

"Oh crap," Cobra Commander groaned.

"You had to open your big mouth didn't you?" Destro glared at Cobra Commander.


	8. Above Vapor But Below Zero

**Above Vapor But Under Zero**

"How did those dimwit Dreadnoks find this base?" Cobra Commander stormed to the underground hangar with the rest of the Cobra High command.

"They must have remembered from the time they were here before," Zero shrugged.

"WHAT? Did **everyone** know about this secret base but me?" Cobra Commander screamed, his voice getting louder.

"I didn't know," Mindbender grumbled.

"You don't count!" Cobra Commander snapped.

"Speaking of things that don't count," Destro remarked. "Or perform any other mathematic equations…What are we going to do about the Dreadnoks? I suggest blowing them up and feeding what's left of them to Mindbender's lizards."

"Uh Destro not a good idea to give giant mutated lizards a taste for human flesh," Mindbender winced. "Trust me I know that from experience."

"Okay how about just blow them up?" Destro asked.

"Shouldn't we torture them first?" Zero asked.

"I'm with Zero!" Destro agreed.

"Sounds like a plan to me," The Baroness agreed.

"I'll get the battery cables," Mindbender spoke up.

"Let me handle this!" Cobra Commander hisses as they made their way into the hangar. "As usual!"

"When do you ever handle **anything**?" The Baroness challenged.

"So much for this base being abandoned," Zarana was heard grumbling as the Cobras confronted the Dreadnoks with drawn weapons.

"I told you even Snake Face would figure out the Twins had this place on the side," Buzzer hissed to Zartan.

"Shut up Buzzer!" Zartan snapped. He then put on his most charming smile. "Greetings Cobra Commander. It's good to see you."

"Really? Too bad we can't say the same for you!" The Baroness spoke up. "In fact we were hoping to never smell your stench of stupidity and failure again!"

"Charming as ever Baroness," Zartan rolled his eyes. "I was speaking to Cobra Commander."

"Yeah but she's right," Cobra Commander snarled. "So what happened Zartan? As if I didn't know!"

"Everyone in the entire world knows now," Destro purred with a tone of a cat that was about to eat a huge canary. "Let me guess, you're crawling back to Cobra because you're on the run and no one else will hire you?"

"That's pretty much it, yeah," Torch shrugged.

"Shut up!" Zartan hissed. "It's your stupidity that got us into this mess in the first place!"

"Oh yeah it's all on me," Torch grumbled. "I'm not the one who blew the Hendrickson deal."

"Shut up!" Zartan snapped.

"Torch does have a point Zartan," Donald, Road Pig's alter ego spoke up.

"Y-You d-did drop the b-ball on that one," Road Pig added.

"What was the Hendrickson deal?" Mindbender blinked.

"That's not important now," Zartan spoke up before anyone else could. "The important thing is that we've learned the error of our ways and want to return to Cobra."

"Like we'd want you!" The Baroness hissed.

"Why the hell should we let you degenerate traitors back into Cobra?" Cobra Commander hissed. "You abandoned us and jumped ship to run with those traitors from Mongoose Incorporated!"

"To be fair they offered us a lot of money for doing so," Monkeywrench spoke up.

"Yeah we're only human," Torch agreed.

"That's only a theory," Destro raised an eyebrow.

"Give me one good reason why I shouldn't blow you all up into tiny bits and feed your bodies to the sharks!" Cobra Commander hissed.

"How about fifty million reasons?" Zarana casually pulled out a suitcase filled with cash and showed it to them.

"Welcome back," Cobra Commander replied.

"NOW HOLD ON JUST A MINUTE!" Destro yelled. "After all those traitors have done to us you're just going to let these freaks waltz back in here as if nothing had happened?"

"This is about your stupid castle isn't it?" Torch moaned. "Dude that place was a money pit! I had to burn it down! It was the only way to get the insurance money and make a profit on it! And even then I still took a loss!"

"Seriously, Torch did you a favor," Buzzer added.

"That dump made the Dreadnok's lair look like the freaking palace of Versailles," Monkeywrench agreed.

"I still have a bump on my head from where a brick fell from the wall on it!" Ripper pointed to his head.

"He does!" Torch nodded. "And I had to get a stupid tetanus shot because I stepped on a rusted nail that was like over four hundred years old!"

"Not to mention there was so much dust in that place it was murder on my sinuses," Ripper grumbled.

"It's true," Torch pointed. "Ripper nearly died!"

"Nearly isn't good enough," Destro grumbled.

"Look Cobra needs us…" Zartan began.

"Like we need an audit from the IRS," Zero added.

"Good one Zero," Destro smirked.

"Wait who's Zero?" Torch was confused.

"Oh right. This is Zero Finance, our new head of Business," Cobra Commander introduced. "Zero for short. Zero, I believe you remember the Dreadnoks?"

"Too well," Zero folded his arms.

"What did we do to you…?" Zartan sighed in a resigned tone.

"You put me in the hospital with a broken foot and a concussion," Zero glared at him. "Well your Dreadnoks did."

"To be fair we do that to a lot of people," Ripper spoke up.

"Yeah if we remembered everyone whose bones we broke we'd…well let's just say it is a very long list and leave it at that," Torch agreed.

"Hold on a second," Zandar frowned. "I thought the Crimson Twins were in charge of finance?"

"Not anymore," The Baroness shrugged. "We had some management restructuring."

"So we don't need them!" Destro snarled at the Dreadnoks. "Except maybe as giant lizard food."

"I keep telling you," Mindbender rolled his eyes. "Not a good thing to make your mutant lizards crave human meat!"

"Yes but since the Dreadnoks are barely human to begin with…" Destro began.

"Come on man," Zero said. "Why poison those giant lizards? They didn't do anything to deserve it."

"Not yet anyway," Mindbender shrugged.

"I'm just saying it doesn't make sense to bring back individuals who not only were partially responsible for crippling Cobra," Destro went on. "But severely damaged another organization as well."

"Two actually," Torch spoke up.

"There was a little incident at a friend of mine's secret drug smuggling operation hidden in a dishtowel museum on the mainland a few days ago," Monkeywrench spoke up.

"THAT WAS YOU?" Cobra Commander yelled. "I should have known!"

"Yeah but this time I wasn't the one responsible for setting that building on fire," Torch said. "For once. Right Zanzibar?"

"Zanzibar?" The Baroness noticed the Dreadnok pirate hiding behind the others. "WHAT IS THAT LOSER DOING HERE?!"

"Don't let her hit me again!" Zanzibar gulped.

"Long story short, his crew dumped him for jobs at Mongoose Incorporated," Zarana groaned. "When they kicked us out, they took over our jobs!"

"And now we're stuck with him," Zartan groaned.

"Well we are not stuck with you!" Destro pointed. "Cobra Commander you can't allow these incompetent degenerates to return to Cobra!"

"If you think about it we helped you by taking out the competition at Mongoose Incorporated," Ripper suggested.

"Like nobody could figure out **that **was going to happen!" The Baroness rolled her eyes. "And you didn't take out Mongoose Incorporated! You just got yourselves and Deming fired! Which I admit that last part is pretty amusing but still…"

"How about this? We let the Dreadnoks come back…" Zero thought. "But Destro will be in charge of them!"

"WHAT?" Zartan shouted.

"You have got to be bloody kidding me!" Zarana yelled.

"Not that wanker!" Torch agreed.

"Hold on a second!" Destro yelled. "I don't want to be responsible for the Dreadnoks! I'd sooner be in charge of the monkey cage at the zoo than these animals!"

"And there is no way I will take orders from a chromed creep like Destro!" Zartan snapped.

"You will if you want to stay in Cobra!" Zero snapped. He turned to Destro. "And I didn't say you would be responsible for the Dreadnoks, Destro. I said you'd be in **charge** of them. More accurately, when they screw up you get to charge them with a taser. Or anything else that conducts electricity."

"Oh," Destro blinked. "Well that's all right then."

"WHAT?" Zartan yelled.

"Take it or leave it Zartan," The Baroness folded her arms and smirked.

"Are we still above Mindbender?" Buzzer asked.

"No, but then again neither are the Crimson Twins," Cobra Commander shrugged. "So here's the new system. First there's me at the top, then Destro and the Baroness, Zero, Vapor…"

"Who the hell is Vapor?" Zartan called out.

"Isn't he dead?" Ripper was confused. "I thought he was dead."

"We have a new one," The Baroness explained.

"Is this new Vapor as much a pervert as the old one?" Torch asked. "Because if he is there is no way I am hanging out with that bloke!"

"And for Torch to call someone a pervert you know that's bad," Zandar spoke up.

"Mindbender is next," Cobra Commander pressed on. "The Crimson Twins, then you Dreadnoks!"

"Hold on!" Mindbender spoke up. "How can Vapor be **above me?** His green house is in one of my labs!"

"Okay fine you can be above Vapor but under Zero," Cobra Commander sighed.

"Wait shouldn't that be equal to me?" Zero spoke up. "Because technically we are the heads of our own departments?"

"I know Zero funds my department but…" Mindbender spoke up.

"But Mindbender has some really primo drugs and stuff…" Zero said.

"Okay fine! Zero and Mindbender are equals and in case you disagree with each other you can play rock paper scissors!" Cobra Commander snapped.

"That works for me," Mindbender shrugged.

"When you said Destro and me did you mean us together or is he above me?" The Baroness asked.

"Together! Usually…Depending on the mission," Cobra Commander groaned. "Look the gist of what I am saying is that the Dreadnoks are at the bottom where they belong! Okay? Does everyone get **that?"**

"Agreed. Yeah. I guess. Whatever. I'm fine. Do we have a choice?" The group of villains remarked.

"All right! Now that **that** is settled," Cobra Commander said. "Let us conclude this meeting by welcoming back the Dreadnoks…"

"Ugh…" Destro rolled his eyes.

"With tasers, bats and anything else we can use to beat them senseless!" Cobra Commander pulled out a taser from his belt.

"YAY!" Zero chirped cheerfully as he pulled out his own taser.

"Welcome Back Zartan," The Baroness smirked as she pounded her hand into her fist.

"Oh I am going to like this new situation," Destro agreed.

"Better them than us," Tomax said to his brother.

"With them here we are no longer the scapegoats!" Xamot admitted.

"Well I wouldn't go **that **far," Cobra Commander remarked. "But I admit you two aren't at the top of the list anymore." He turned on his taser.

"Uh oh…" Zartan gulped.

"Told you we should have tried going back to Australia first!" Zandar growled. "You didn't listen to me! Nobody ever listens to me!"

"GET THEM!" Destro whooped with joy.

"AAAAAAHHH!" The Dreadnoks ran for their lives as the Cobras chased them with tasers.

"Wait! We have guns!" Buzzer stopped. "Why are we…GNNAAAAAHHH!" He yelled as the Baroness tasered him with glee.

"AAAAHHH!" The Dreadnoks ran around the hangar and then to parts of the base with the Cobras behind them. Their screams of pain could be heard throughout the compound.

That was one reason nobody noticed Zandar sneaking around the airplane the Dreadnok's arrived in. When the Dreadnoks ran he merely ducked into the airplane to hide.

"Phew…" Zandar let out a breath. "The one time I'm glad when nobody notices me."

"Grrrrrrrr….."

Zandar looked behind him and saw a huge green lizard with frills on its head the size of a donkey looking at him. "Sheesh that looks like that thing Obi Wan Kenobi rode in Revenge of the Sith," Zandar winced. "What the devil is Mindbender doing **now?"**

"Rrrrrr?"

"Oh no…" Zandar gulped. "Nice lizard…" He tried to pull out his weapon but the creature tackled him before he could do so.

"NO! OW! DOWN BOY! DOWN…Uh oh…" Zandar realized the truth. "You're a girl lizard aren't you? AAAH! NO! NO! BAD LIZARD! AAAH! HELP! HELP! OH WHY DIDN'T I JUST LET MYSELF GET TASERED? WHYYYY? AAAHHHH!"


	9. A Little Mushroom Cloud Shaped Explosion

**A Little Mushroom Cloud Shaped Explosion**

"And that is why we are no longer serving tapioca pudding in the cafeteria," Cobra Commander spoke to the Cobra High Command in the conference room. "So thank you very much Zartan and your idiot Dreadnoks!"

"You lot have only been here two days and your animals already destroyed something," Destro huffed. "Where's my taser again?"

"You can taser them another time Destro," Cobra Commander waved. "Let's just get through this meeting first."

"May I say in my defense that it was Mindbender who doctored up that stupid potion in the first place!" Zartan spoke up. His sister and brother were in the room as well but not the other Dreadnoks.

"Yes but I kept that growth hormone in lab refrigerator clearly labeled 'Growth Experimental Hormone, do not touch'!" Mindbender snapped.

"You expected the Dreadnoks to read?" The Baroness snickered.

"I expected them to stay out of my lab after the incident with Lana!" Mindbender snapped.

"Who's Lana?" Cobra Commander asked. "One of your new assistants?"

"No, it's the giant lizard that molested Zandar," Destro snickered.

"TWICE!" Zandar snapped.

"Oh please!" Mindbender snapped. "So Lana dry humped you a bit! It's not like there was any penetration."

"NOT FOR LACK OF TRYING!" Zartan snarled. "The damn thing tried to have it's way with me too!"

"Again you shouldn't have invaded my lab in the first place…" Mindbender gave him a look.

"Okay! It appears we have to go over this **again!**" Cobra Commander said in a very annoyed tone. "Last time! No Dreadnoks are allowed ever in Mindbender's lab! Mindbender, do not let your creations leave the lab whether they have legs or not! And definitely do not let anything from Mindbender's lab into the cafeteria and put it in the food! HOW IS THAT DIFFICULT TO REMEMBER?"

"Again look who you are talking to…" The Baroness pointed to the Dreadnok Siblings.

"Stuff it Baroness!" Zarana and Zandar said as one.

"Okay now we're moving on to Item Two on the list!" Cobra Commander pressed on. "Now I know how you were all looking forward to stealing the gold medals at the Olympics. But because of all the extra security thanks to the Jihad Janes running around we have to change our plans! I mean who broadcasts a secret attack on the internet? Ugh! I swear these religious fanatics take all the fun out of being a terrorist!"

"True. Then again the Russians ruined the Sochi games more than any terrorist ever could," The Baroness remarked.

"Those toilets looked worse than the time the Dreadnoks had that all you can eat Mexican Buffett," Zarana spoke up. "At least you could flush those toilets at first! Later not so much but still…"

"Not just that. They had at least six years to build hotels and get enough accommodations and they're still not ready!" Mindbender spoke up. "Not to mention all the bees in the honey."

"Isn't that where they're supposed to be?" Zero blinked.

"Not when you're trying to put it on toast," Mindbender explained.

"And their Olympic stadiums and courses are substandard," Cobra Commander shook his head. "You know say what you want about Cobra's old gladiator arenas and torture chambers but at least they were up to code!"

"So what now?" Destro asked.

"So now we go to our backup plan," Cobra Commander turned on the monitor on the wall. "Luck would have it our intelligence agents have confirmed that a black market arms deal is going down. Right in our own casino!"

"What intelligence agents?" Zartan blinked.

"Doesn't anyone read my newsletter?" Zero moaned. "We hired them a few days ago! They're some of my old buddies from the Crimson Guard who didn't join the Overlord because they liked being freelance agents! But they've had some financial problems so they decided to come back to Cobra."

"Didn't join **who?**" Zartan did a double take.

"Long story…" Xamot waved.

"We'll tell you later if we feel like it," Tomax added. "But who…?"

"Are the new agents?" Xamot added. "Do we know them?"

"Uh yeah," Zero whistled. "Their code names are Slice and Dice."

"Slice and…" Tomax's jaw dropped.

"Dice?" Xamot yelled.

"THOSE TWO MANIACS?" The twins yelled at once.

"Oh God not those two!" Zartan moaned.

"Uh what?" Cobra Commander looked back and forth. "Am I missing something?"

"A lot of things, actually but for now I'll give you a quick backstory on Slice and Dice," Zartan explained. "They're ninjas."

"Not Arshikage Ninjas!" Destro raised an eyebrow.

"No, but not for lack of trying," Zartan moaned. "They thought they could become part of a ninja clan using a correspondence course and then they tried to join the Red Ninjas."

"Aren't the Red Ninjas the nuts that are always trying to kill you?" Zero asked Zartan.

"Exactly. For murdering their ninja master, staining their honor, yada, yada, yada…" Zartan groaned. "They thought they could join the Red Ninjas by capturing me and getting me killed but for some reason their catching me made them even angrier and then the Red Ninjas wanted to kill them too…Long story short it was a very messy weekend."

"So Zartan convinced them to join Cobra and like idiots we brought them into our Crimson Guard," Tomax groaned.

"Let me guess, they were unsatisfactory in their work?" Mindbender asked.

"No, they were very satisfactory…" Xamot sighed. "The problem wasn't with their job performance."

"The problem was that they were nuts even beyond Cobra Standards. Not to mention their PDA was off the charts and drove half their team mates crazy," Tomax finished.

"PDA?" Cobra Commander asked.

"Personal Displays of Affection…" Xamot groaned.

"With each other…" Tomax added.

"In the locker room…" Xamot went on.

"And everywhere else…" Tomax added.

"The _gay ninjas?"_ Cobra Commander did a double take.

"Oh yeah, I remember them now," Mindbender blinked.

"How could anyone forget them after the Christmas Party of 1993?" Xamot protested.

"To be fair Cobra Commander was pretty blitzed that year," Tomax reminded his brother.

"As opposed to every **other** year?" Xamot gave his brother a look.

"Year? How about every freaking month?" The Baroness grumbled.

"Month?" Destro asked. "How about….?"

"Okay we are officially off track…" Cobra Commander grumbled. "Can we get back to the mission?"

"Certainly Cobra Commander," Destro nodded. "We know you need to get back to your drinking as soon as possible."

"If that weren't true Destro I'd shoot you," Cobra Commander growled. "Okay here's how this will go down. Some North Korean agents are checking into the casino to buy some weapons grade plutonium. Or some kind of small nuclear bomb. Because as we all know that's what North Korean Agents do. We intercept the agents as soon as they check into the room. Knock them out with knockout gas installed in their vents. Dispose of them. Take their place. Wait for the seller to come to the room. When he gets there we rob the guy…In other words it's basically Plan Switcheroo from the old days. Got it?"

"Yeah we remember the drill," The Baroness waved. "Just as long as the Dreadnoks don't screw it up!"

"Why do you always assume that my Dreadnoks will screw things up?" Zartan snapped.

"The same way I know that if I go into the ocean I will get wet," The Baroness gave him a look. "Or the same way I know that if a celebrity does something stupid, TMZ will broadcast it. It is **inevitable!"**

"As much as I'd love to continue this derision of the Dreadnoks…" Destro spoke in a dead pan tone. "I feel I must ask this rather obvious question. How do we know this so called arms dealer is legitimate and not a trap sent by the authorities? For all we know this could be a sting operation run by either the government or a spy agency."

"It's not a trap," Zero spoke up. "Slice and Dice checked this guy out thoroughly."

"Oh yes that makes me feel so much better," Destro rolled his eyes.

"As much as we hate to agree with Zero…" Xamot began.

"We have to say that even though Slice and Dice were rather unorthodox…" Tomax added.

"They always got results and have never steered us wrong before," The Twins said as one.

"Except the time they suggested we paint the corner office orange yellow," Xamot remembered.

"We don't know what they were thinking then!" Tomax agreed.

"Let's just hope this runs smoothly," Destro grumbled. "And that the Dreadnoks not screw it up."

"How could we screw **this** up?" Zartan gave Destro a look.

Fast forward to the following day at the same time…

"Okay in our defense this is only **half** our fault!" Zartan yelled as he laid down cover fire in the hallway from one of the hotel rooms on the 41st floor. "Mindbender should be held accountable for his defective knockout gas!"

"It was your idiot Dreadnoks that were supposed to set up the knockout gas in the first place!" Destro barked as he and Zero added fire.

"I told you we should have used someone from my department!" Zero shouted. "But noooo!"

"I agree with you Zero! It's Cobra Commander who insisted these idiots be given a chance!" Destro snapped. "And they failed! SURPRISE!"

"The canisters were empty! You can't blame us for defective and empty canisters!" Zartan yelled as he shot one of the North Koreans dead. "There I got another one."

"That makes it two," Zero remarked. "I have one and Destro has two. You two are tied."

"This is not a competition!" Destro snapped as he ducked the bullets. "Oh great! There's blood all over the new carpets in the hallway and they're not even scotch guarded yet!"

"Housekeeping will not be happy with us," Zero remarked.

"I'm not happy with Zartan and his Dimwit Brigade for failing to install the knockout gas canisters!" Destro snapped.

"THE CANISTERS WERE EMPTY!" Zartan snarled.

"And how did you know that?" Destro asked.

"Torch called and told me that!" Zartan yelled as he returned fire.

"Oh yeah **there's **a reliable source of information!" Destro said sarcastically.

"Torch doesn't lie to me when it counts!" Zartan snapped. "He's not smart enough to do so!"

"He's got a point there Destro," Zero remarked.

"Oh please!" Destro rolled his eyes.

"You want proof? I'll get him on the communicator!" Zartan snapped. "Torch! Where are you? Where's our backup?"

"Oh you wanted me to come up and get you?" Torch responded.

"YES I WANTED YOU TO COME UP AND HELP ME TAKE OUT THE NORTH KOREANS!" Zartan yelled.

"Geeze you don't have to yell!" Torch remarked.

"Just get your stupid hide and the hides of the other idiots up here and help us!" Zartan shouted.

"Uh yeah well funny story about that…" Torch was down in a room looking at the unconscious Dreadnoks all over the floor. "You're gonna laugh when you hear this…"

"What did you do?" Zartan hissed into the communicator.

"You know how the canisters of knock out gas were empty and we couldn't install them?" Torch asked as he looked at his comrades. "I didn't exactly tell you why did I?"

"What. Did. You. Do?" Zartan yelled.

"The blokes were having a knockout contest," Torch said. "Who could stay awake the longest? After inhaling knockout gas."

"Let me guess, you won!" Zartan fumed.

"No I wasn't playing. I was kind of in the bathroom because I had to deal with my own brand of knockout gas if you get my drift," Torch said nervously. "I never should have had those chimichongas for lunch."

"Now why does this **not **surprise me?" Destro said sarcastically.

"Fine just get some backup! Any back up on the 41st floor **now**!" Zartan yelled. "Zartan out!"

"Anything you'd like to _say_ Zartan?" Destro asked.

"Oh…" Zartan blinked. "Okay fine. This is all the Dreadnoks' fault. Happy?"

"Oh yes!" Destro snarled as he returned fire. "I'm **ecstatic**! I'm practically _jumping for_ _joy_ with happiness! WHEEEEEEE!"

Destro used the grenade launcher and fired into the room. The room exploded and shook the building for a second. Then all was silent. "Are they dead yet?" Zero blinked.

"They should be," Destro snorted. "Which means I win."

"It's not a competition!" Zartan growled.

"So are we going to go in and see if they're actually dead or…?" Zero pointed to the room.

"Go and see for yourself," Zartan grumbled.

"Why should I?" Zero asked. "I'm management remember?"

"He has a point Zartan," Destro said.

"You're taking his side?" Zartan shouted.

"Let me think about that. YES!" Destro snapped.

"I've been with Cobra forever!" Zartan snapped.

"And you've been backstabbing us forever," Zero said.

"Zero makes a very compelling argument," Destro said.

"Well what about him?" Zartan pointed. "You found him working for a former henchman who tried to kill you!"

"Only because of the Crimson Twins' incompetence and mismanagement of funds," Zero said. "I had to make a living somehow! I didn't choose to leave Cobra! You did!"

"Again, a very compelling argument," Destro agreed.

"So go and check and see if they're dead," Zero said.

"I do not take orders from you!" Zartan hissed.

"Oh yes you do," Destro smirked. "And I as well and we're **both** telling you to go check out that room!"

"I have seniority! At least over you!" Zartan pointed to Zero.

"You gave up seniority when you stabbed us in the back!" Zero said.

"YOU WEREN'T EVEN THERE AT THE TIME!" Zartan yelled.

"Zartan just shut up and do what you're told!" Destro growled.

"I know you've always hated me you pretentious prick but seriously letting the help make decisions…" Zartan gritted his teeth.

"Dude, **you're** the help now!" Zero barked.

"He's right again Zartan," Destro grinned.

"Why does everyone just roll over and agree with this jackass?" Zartan pointed to Zero.

"As opposed to agreeing with **your** particular brand of jackass-ery?" Zero remarked. "You want the whole list or just the top ten?"

"Ooh, I'd like to hear that list," Destro was clearly enjoying himself.

"I'll put it in the next newsletter," Zero said.

"I look forward to reading it," Destro said.

"Why don't you read this you….?" Zartan prepared to make an obscene gesture.

"Boss?" Torch entered the hallway. "Are you okay?"

"No but that's never stopped me before…" Zartan groaned. "We'll have Torch and his team look in the room."

"What team?" Torch blinked.

"The backup you were supposed to bring!" Zartan snapped.

"But I told you the other Dreadnoks are out cold," Torch blinked.

"COBRA SOLDIERS!" Zartan yelled. "You were supposed to bring Cobra Soldiers up here!"

"Was I?" Torch asked.

"That's what backup usually means!" Zartan snapped.

"To anyone with a brain cell," Destro remarked.

"Reason Number Five," Zero spoke up. "Incompetent underlings."

"Shut up!" Zartan hissed.

"Zartan I don't think you're allowed to tell your boss to shut up," Torch whispered loudly.

To this Destro let out an amused laugh. Zartan glared at Destro then Torch. "Torch…" Zartan gritted his teeth. "Check and see if anyone is alive in that room before the seller comes here with the materials. Understand?"

"I think it is an actual bomb," Torch spoke up. "What that seller bloke is bringing."

"Just do it!" Zartan yelled.

"Sheesh! You don't have to be a prickly pear about it," Torch grumbled as he did so. "Not my fault you didn't give me clear instructions!"

"Perhaps in the future you should write them in crayon?" Destro suggested.

"Man we didn't make this much of a mess with the tapioca in the cafeteria," Torch remarked. "Uh oh…"

"What do you mean uh oh?" Destro poked his head in. "Are they alive?"

"Uh no…But…" Torch pointed to an open briefcase on the floor. Among the scattered papers that looked like cash there was definitely something suspicious with a lot of wires in it.

"Okay **that** is definitely a bomb," Torch remarked.

"The old Bomb in the Money Briefcase scam," Destro shook his head. "If I've seen it once I've seen it a dozen times."

"They were gonna blow up perfectly good money?" Torch was puzzled.

"No stupid that's obviously fake money!" Zero snapped. "Is that bomb active?"

"Uh…"Torch touched the briefcase.

BEEP…BEEP…BEEP…

"It is now," Torch gulped.

"We have to disarm it!" Zartan shrieked in terror.

"There's no time!" Destro barked. He grabbed his grenade launcher and pushed a button. As the weapon modified to have a strange cushion on it Destro grabbed the bomb then managed to stick it in the weapon.

"What the hell are you doing?" Zartan yelled. "You'll blow us all up!"

"Not with this specially designed modification in my grenade launcher!" Destro pointed the weapon towards the window. He pulled the trigger and the bomb shot through the window. Before it hit the window the strange cushion had molded around the bomb.

"What the devil…?" Zero gasped.

"I told you I've seen the Bomb in the Briefcase scam a dozen times," Destro remarked. "So I made a special modification in my grenade launcher."

"So it could launch a bomb without detonating it? Clever," Zero whistled.

"Yes and the bomb will explode inside the container safely without any damage," Destro smirked.

KAAAAAA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!

"Unless it is an extremely powerful bomb," Destro winced as the ground shook.

"Whoa!" Torch looked out the window. "It's okay. It landed in the docks near the ocean."

"That's one big explosion," Zero whistled.

"More like a little mushroom cloud shaped explosion…" Destro blinked. "Oh no…"

"You don't think…?" Zartan did a double take. "It couldn't have hit…"

"It did…" Destro groaned.

"What are the odds we hit the arms dealer that was carrying the bomb he was going to sell miles away from the casino?" Zero gasped,

"With you lot, very good ones!" Destro rolled his eyes.

"So it was definitely a small nuclear bomb," Torch said. "I win!"

"And Cobra loses again!" Destro threw up his hands.

"Well…" Zero said nervously. "At least we know for sure the seller was legit."


	10. Mindbender's Pickup Service

**Mindbender's Pick Up Service**

"Cobra Commander we need to talk about the budget for the month," Destro remarked as he looked at some papers on his desk as the door opened to his office. Then he looked up. "What happened to you?"

"Nothing. Just having a little talk with the cleaning staff," Cobra Commander walked in covered with blood and was carrying an AK47. "By the way we need a new cleaning staff."

"AGAIN?" Destro groaned. "Commander that's the second staff you killed this month!"

"Technically no," Cobra Commander pointed out. "The first one I only accidentally killed two of the cleaning staff and the rest fled. I admit I shouldn't have done my crossbow target practice in the cafeteria."

"What happened this time?" Destro moaned.

"They tried to unionize!" Cobra Commander protested. "Oh don't give me that look Destro it's not like there aren't a billion other illegal immigrants out there."

"Disregarding your even more callous regard for human life than usual…" Destro began.

"Yes, I made sure I didn't kill them in the area that was already clean!" Cobra Commander snapped. "I'm not stupid enough to make **that **mistake again! I did it in that service elevator in the back. You know the one that looks like Charles Manson lived in it for a while?"

"Commander…" Destro moaned.

"Oh lighten up Destro. I saved Cobra a lot of money by killing off the staff before I paid them," Cobra Commander waved. "Well maybe not a lot of money but I saved enough for a few bottles of decent scotch! That has to mean something!"

"It will for the prosecution if we get caught!" Destro snapped.

"No we won't. I sent the bodies down to Mindbender. You know how he hates to let any genetic material go to waste," Cobra Commander waved. "So again I made another cost effective measure!"

"Are you ready for the meeting?" The Baroness walked in.

"I was but now I have to deal with **another** crisis Cobra Commander has brought up," Destro indicated the Commander.

"Oh sure! Blame me for trying to keep us in the black!" Cobra Commander snapped.

"Oh by the way," The Baroness said. "I need a new maid."

"What happened to the old one?" Destro said. "And by old I mean the one you got _yesterday._"

"I terminated her."

"And by terminated you mean…?" Destro began.

"I caught her stealing from my purse and I snapped her neck," The Baroness shrugged. "Terminated."

"See? It's not just me!" Cobra Commander pointed out.

"And I need the cleaning staff to take the body to Mindbender's lab," The Baroness added.

"We don't have a cleaning staff because Cobra Commander killed them all!" Destro snapped.

"Calm down Destro I'm sure Mindbender does some kind of pick-up service," Cobra Commander waved. "I mean he did for me. Then again that elevator goes to the labs anyway. I'm not sure now. I'll give him a call." He picked up his cell phone and started to call.

"Uhhh…Commander? Destro?" Zero knocked on the open door. "We have a problem."

"What? Did someone accidentally kill more of the help?" Destro snapped.

"Uh no," Zero gulped. "One of the accountants is dead."

"Oh for crying out…" Destro put his hands on his head.

"Mindbender does your department do body pick-ups?" Cobra Commander asked in the phone. "You do? Oh that's handy."

"Very handy," Destro groaned. "How did this one die?"

"He ate some yogurt from the break room refrigerator and apparently he was extremely lactose intolerant," Zero said. "So if you could send somebody…"

"Looks like you're going to have a busy schedule," Cobra Commander said to Mindbender on the phone. "There's been a death in accounting as well as the Baroness terminating a maid. Snapped his neck. Yeah I'm not surprised about that one either."

"The good news is that he didn't have any family or anything so we just saved a ton on death benefits and insurance," Zero said cheerfully.

"Well we're just saving money all over the place today aren't we?" Destro threw up his hands.

"What do you mean you'll get to it after you pick up **another** body in the Greenhouse Department?" Cobra Commander asked on the phone. "Really? Well why was he working on the electrical system while the sprinklers were going on? Oh. I see. They accidentally went on."

"Unbelievable…" Destro groaned. "Now why can't we eliminate our enemies as efficiently as our employees?"

"Uh huh," Cobra Commander nodded. "Really? So you do need all the raw genetic material you can get. Well I appreciate this Mindbender so…"

"Cobra Commander…" Xamot spoke up as he and his brother walked into the room. Wearing bathrobes.

"Hold on Mindbender I gotta hear what stupidity is happening now…" Cobra Commander groaned. "What? Is this a new twist on Casual Friday I don't know about or what?"

"We have a situation…" Tomax began.

"That should be our company logo," Destro frowned. "Who died and how?"

"How did you now…?" Xamot began.

"Just tell us," Destro interrupted.

"You know how some of the new porn stars arrived early?" Tomax winced.

"Yes…" Destro frowned.

"We thought we'd…audition a few of them," Xamot added. "Just a head's up, some of them were not as skilled acrobats as they claimed."

"We were fools to think anyone could be as skilled as Deming when it came to that move," Tomax sighed.

"You two are fools period," Destro groaned. "Commander…?"

"Okay Mindbender you have another pick up to add to your route…" Cobra Commander spoke into the phone.

"There hasn't been this many deaths in Cobra in one day since the ill-fated employee of the year awards of 1997," The Baroness remarked. "When we held them near that volcano."

"To be fair that volcano was dormant for over two hundred and thirty nine years before that weekend," Destro sighed. "I mean the odds were pretty…"

"Commander! Destro! We have a problem!" Monkeywrench shouted as he ran in with Torch.

"For crying out loud it's like a running gag!" Destro barked. "Who did you kill?"

"Nobody. Today anyway," Torch blinked.

"We got a real emergency!" Monkeywrench protested. "We're out of grape soda in the vending machines!"

"Oh heavens no!" Destro said in a theatric tone. "Not the **grape sodas**! Of all the things to befall Cobra today this is the **worst!** NOT THE GRAPE SODAS!"

"You're mocking us aren't you?" Monkeywrench frowned.

"How very astute of you!" Destro snapped.

"We had a few incidents with some dead porn stars, dead workers, dead cleaning staff…" Cobra Commander explained.

"Oh yeah. I guess some dead porn stars do kind of trump no more grape sodas," Torch blinked.

"YOU THINK?" Destro snapped.

"Uh Destro, Cobra Commander we have a problem…" Zarana walked in wearing a black evening gown.

"Only one?" The Baroness quipped.

"We know. There's no grape soda in the vending machines," Destro sighed. "Life as we know it is over."

"You don't have to be a jerk about it," Torch frowned.

"Uh yeah I kind of do," Destro gave him a look.

"This is a different problem," Zarana sighed. "You remember those Japanese high rollers that checked into the casino this morning?"

"Yes," The Baroness frowned. "What about them?"

"You remember that discount shrimp and sushi we bought from Vapor's very weird friends?" Zarana asked. "Not a good combination."

"So they're…." Destro began.

"Dead," Zarana told him.

"Of course they are," Destro groaned.

"Hold on Mindbender," Cobra Commander spoke into the phone. "You have another pickup."

"Again why can't we take out our enemies this efficiently?" Destro looked up to the ceiling.


	11. It's All About Management

**It's All About Management**

"I don't know why we didn't get into the casino business sooner," Cobra Commander joyfully counted the money stack on the table in his office. "People **pay** money for the privilege of **losing** money! It's **brilliant**!"

"I must say it's a rather refreshing change to see you in a good mood," Destro remarked as he sat on the other side of the desk drinking some scotch.

"And for those people who don't like to gamble, we get them with the shops, bars and the all you can eat buffet!" Cobra Commander chortled with glee. "And the bowling alley on the second floor! Did you know there was a bowling alley on the second floor?"

"I did," Destro nodded. "Now Commander as much as I hate to sour your good mood…"

"Destro we both know you live to sour my good mood," Cobra Commander gave him a look. "It's your third favorite thing after screwing the Baroness and screwing around behind the Baroness' back."

"Fourth actually," Destro took another drink. "You forgot tormenting Zartan and his Dreadnoks."

"Oh yes. There is that," Cobra Commander nodded. "That is fun isn't it?"

"Nevertheless I feel it is my duty to point out that due to the recent…mishaps of the past few days our profit margin could be slimming as we speak," Destro coughed.

"Relax Destro. The damages have been repaired. The bloodstains are all gone. The bodies are in the lab. And we managed to convince people they were shooting a movie in the bay," Cobra Commander waved.

"Yes but what about the costs for fixing those damages? I still don't have the final figures for that!" Destro snapped. "That alone could cost us a fortune!"

"Trust me. It didn't cost as much as you think it did," Cobra Commander waved. "In fact I was able to get a very good deal on labor."

"You killed the repairmen didn't you?" Destro groaned.

"No, Smarty Pants I didn't! I'm not that short sighted!" Cobra Commander snapped. "We gave them Mindbender's Mind Control gum. Now we have a happy handyman slash really cheap labor force ready to spring into action the minute something gets broken around here."

"Of course," Destro sighed.

"And we all know that's going to happen again," Cobra Commander shrugged. "That's why I prepared for the future."

"Very forward thinking Commander."

"Only two of them were killed and they were accidents," Cobra Commander pointed out. "One was a little too drugged when he was window washing and sort of released his harness."

"And the other?" Destro raised an eyebrow.

"I sent some of them down to help spruce up Mindbender's lab and one of his experiments got loose. You know? Same old, same old," Cobra Commander waved. "Oh calm down Destro. All we have to do is make another run to Home Depot to replace them."

"Oh dear…" Destro sighed.

"FYI…Mindbender gave some of the gum to a few of the better looking porn stars," Cobra Commander grinned. "Works really well with them."

"I thought you were in an unusually good mood," Destro sighed. "So now we're adding white slavery to our repertoire."

"No. Not all of them were white. Two were Asian and one was from some island in the tropics," Cobra Commander huffed. "I'm not racist you know?"

"I am aware of your standards Cobra Commander," Destro sighed.

"Well technically I suppose I am but not by color," Cobra Commander said. "I mean I am literally from another species after all. I'm blue and once I was green for crying out loud. Color doesn't matter that much to me."

"I suppose from your perspective that is a rather idiotic point," Destro said. Then the Crimson Guard Twins walked in wearing their blue business suits. "Speaking of which…"

"All right what happened this time?" Cobra Commander sighed.

"We had a visitor today…" Xamot began.

"From a concerned businessman with ties to shall we say organized crime," Tomax added.

"And negotiations got a bit…" Xamot added.

"Heated," Tomax finished.

"To the point where we have a slight conflict," Xamot finished.

"In other words some Mob boss tried to shake us down and you killed him," Cobra Commander said.

"That is the usual procedure," Tomax shrugged.

"But now we don't know what to do with the body," Xamot said.

"We can't just give it to Mindbender," Tomax added.

"His crew will be looking for him," Xamot finished.

"Okay this isn't hard," Cobra Commander sighed. "How did you kill him? Did you shoot him or…?'

"No, we broke his neck and back," Tomax shrugged.

"What about his bodyguard?" Destro asked.

"He didn't have one," Xamot said.

"He came alone because he thought we were…" Tomax added.

"A group of accountant eggheads or something," Xamot finished.

"Then that makes it easier," Cobra Commander nodded. "You two still have your trapeze set in your room?"

"Yes…" Xamot admitted.

"Get it and a couple of zombie porn stars and take them and the body to a seedy motel on the other side of the island," Cobra Commander waved. "Use the Coconut Bay. That's one of our pot distribution points. Set it all up to make it look like he died a very happy man. Make an anonymous call to one of the cops that are on the take from us and…"

"We got it," Tomax interrupted.

"Rather simple if you think about it," Xamot admitted.

"And we did need to replace that old trapeze set anyway," Tomax sighed. "Too many memories."

"I wish I could forget **this** conversation," Destro groaned.

"You'd better if the cops come sniffing around," Cobra Commander gave him a look.

"That would be the least of our worries if they come and see you wearing your usual attire," Xamot remarked.

"Oh like you two blend!" Cobra Commander called out as the twins left. "See Destro? Any problem that comes up can be resolved with a calm head and some rational thinking."

"So killing a mob boss and using drugged porn stars to make his death look like a sex depraved accident is **rational thinking**?" Destro asked. "Good to know."

"Oh don't be so tense," Cobra Commander waved. "Tell you what I'll get you a porn star tonight. That should relax you. You have any preferences?"

"Yes. She must be **conscious**," Destro gave him a look.

"You always have to be picky don't you?" Cobra Commander gave him a look. Then the Baroness walked in. "All right now what's **your** problem?"

"Two problems actually…" The Baroness sighed.

"Ah a two for one deal," Cobra Commander nodded. "Proceed."

"First problem," The Baroness began. "There's a problem with the morale in the human resources department."

"What kind of problem?" Destro asked.

"They're having knife fights in the break room," The Baroness remarked. "And no one will clean up after their mess."

"Do I want to know why they are having knife fights in the break room?" Destro groaned.

"There's a few reasons actually," The Baroness shrugged. "Some are angry with their coworkers about petty arguments. Others are sleeping around with other girlfriends or boyfriends. And some are just bored with their lives."

"Sounds like a typical Cobra office to me," Cobra Commander said. "Are you taping the knife fights?"

"Oh yes. They're entertaining but they make a mess in the break room," The Baroness remarked. "And that's causing resentment among some of the other employees which leads to more knife fights…"

"I see the problem," Cobra Commander nodded. "Okay I'm reinstating our Friday Night Fights program. Send a memo around saying all knife fights must be held off until Friday in a new designated area. I'll have my workforce build a new arena underground."

"You might want to have them build a new break room while you are at it," The Baroness remarked.

"Done," Cobra Commander wrote something town. "I'll get the work orders started today. What's the other problem?"

"Remember that inspector that was supposed to come tomorrow?" The Baroness sighed. "The one that checks up on casinos and see if their standards and practices are legitimate as well as the building codes?"

"Yes," Cobra Commander said.

"He came early this morning," The Baroness said. "Now remember Destro you made some contacts with some of your old arms dealer associates?"

"Yes, we put them up for the week in the casino hotel," Destro said.

"Where is this going?" Cobra Commander blinked.

"Did you know those two arms dealers had become bitter rivals lately?" The Baroness asked.

"I was aware of some minor animosity…" Destro said.

"And are you aware they had rooms right across from each other?" The Baroness asked.

"Uh oh…" Destro winced. "Let me take a guess, they were having a little spat and the inspector walked into the crossfire didn't he?"

"The good news is the rooms don't have that many bullet holes in them," The Baroness said. "The bad news is the inspector has a lot of them inside him."

"Is he alive?" Cobra Commander asked.

"Define alive," The Baroness gave him a look. "He's breathing despite missing a lot of his brain but…"

"I get the picture," Cobra Commander winced. "Okay Mindbender's been working on synthoids to replace casino workers and get us some extra soldiers. So what's one little government inspector? Actually if you think about it this could be a plus for us. Have another guy on the inside so to speak."

"On it," The Baroness nodded and started to call Mindbender on her phone. "I take it you want to pull the plug on the…"

"Give him to Mindbender. He loves extra DNA to play with," Destro said.

"True," The Baroness shrugged.

"See it's all about management," Cobra Commander said as the Baroness left. "Taking all the little problems in stride."

"I guess for Cobra a few dozen dead bodies and knife fights in the office are little problems," Destro quipped.

"Commander we have a problem," Zarana walked in wearing her black cocktail dress and diamond earrings.

"Bring it on Zarana! I'm on a roll!" Cobra Commander said cheerfully.

"Remember that bad shrimp that killed off those high rollers two days ago?" Zarana groaned.

"Yes…" Cobra Commander said.

"I found out where it was relocated," Zarana sighed. "To the all you can eat buffet."

"How many died?" Destro groaned.

"Only one and that's because the fatso was allergic to shrimp in the first place," Zarana grumbled. "Really shouldn't have been eating it."

"So it was his own fault. That's not so bad," Cobra Commander waved.

"However a hundred and fifty seven people got sick and there's vomit all over the second floor," Zarana remarked.

"That's bad," Cobra Commander winced. "Is there vomit in the bowling alley?"

"All over the bowling alley," Zarana groaned.

"Ohhhh!" Cobra Commander made an annoyed noise. "And I wanted to go bowling later!"

"Technically you can if you don't mind the smell," Zarana said. "And messing up your bowling shoes."

"I know bowling shoes can be breeding grounds for bacteria but this is too much," Destro winced.

"There's a health inspector on the way," Zarana said. "This could close us down for days!"

"Not to worry! When the health inspector gets here take him to Mindbender, knock him out and get Mindbender to replace him with a synthoid," Cobra Commander went on.

"Do you want me to kill the health inspector or…?" Zarana asked.

"Normally I would but I know Mindbender has been asking for live specimens so…" Cobra Commander shrugged.

"Got it," Zarana nodded as she left.

"And take a memo to the buying department!" Cobra Commander ordered. "No more discount seafood!"


End file.
